W.C. Fields humor...

jamesgpobog

Squier-holic
Feb 18, 2020
3,707
SoCal
I am a huge Fields fan, and for my money, acts 1 and 3 of 'It's A Gift' is some of the funniest things I've ever seen on film ("Oh vegetable man......oh vegetable gentleman...").

His intended autobiography 'W.C. Fields By Himself' was compiled and has commentary by his son Ronald Fields.

The letter below is something that to me is possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. Despite what it looks like, it is a crafted piece. Pay special attention to the spelling, punctuation, and timing. I hope you find it as funny as I do. IMHO it is genius.


Dear John [Barrymore],

I have been having a few drinks and I thought I would drop you a note. About this time of the year I usually take a moment to write a few letters to my good friends; the time when I remember all the good things and indulge myself to the extent of getting a little sentimental.

It is a blustery evening, but here in my Den it's coz-zy and com-fuable. I'm sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, John, sort of haff lissning to the radio and sllowly sipping a nice, very dry double martini. I only wish you were here, John, and since you are not, the least I cando is to toast to your health and happy-ness, so time out, old pal—while I bend my elbow to you.

I just took time to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste this evening if I went out to mix another drink every once in a while, so I just made up a big pitcher of Martinis and brought it back in with me so I'd have it right here beside me and wouldn't have to waste time making more of them. So now I'm all set and here goes. Besides Mratinis are great drrink. For some reson they never seeme to effec me in the slightest, and drink thrm all day long. So here goes. The greateest think in tje whole wokld, John, is friendship. Anebelieve me pal you are the gertests pal anybody ever had. do you remembre all the swell times we had together "pal??/ The wondderful camping trisp. 1*11 never forget the time yoi put the dead skunnk in my sleeping bag. He ha Bow how we laughued didn we. Never did the stin kout ouut od it. Bit it was prtetty funnya anywayh. Nev I still laught about it onec in a whole. Not as muhc as i used to. But what the heck & after all you still my beset old pal John,, and if a guy can't have a luaghg on good treu friedn one in a whiel waht the heck. Dam pitcher is impty so i just went outand ma deanotherone and i sure wisch you wee here old pal to help me drink these marotomi because they are simply sdeliuccious. Parn me whil i lieft my glass to you good helahth oncemroe John because jjhon Barrymroe best pal i goo Off cours why a pal would do a dirty thinb liek puting a skunnk in nother pals sleping bagg I&m dash if I kno. That was a lousi thing for anybodyhdy todo an only a frist clas heel would di it. Jhon, wasn a dm dam bit funney. Stil stinkkks. And if you thininkit funny your a dirity lous anasd far as Im concrened you en go plum to helll and stya ther you dirty lous. To hel with ouy.


Yours very truly.
Bill Fields
 

DrBeGood

Dr. Squier
Dec 9, 2014
6,321
QC, CANADA
Who of you has a cat ?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
 

duceditor

Squier-Axpert
May 29, 2014
16,236
The Monadnocks, NH USA
I, too, really enjoy W.C.! He, along with the early films of the Marx Brothers, are to me much needed relief from the over seriocity of our times. -Where humor can only be seen as "funny" after it has passed some sort of a sniff test.

W.C. saw that process, even then, at work. And stuck his thumb in its eye (again and again).

Can you imagine the outcry if this were made today?



-don
 

jamesgpobog

Squier-holic
Feb 18, 2020
3,707
SoCal
I, too, really enjoy W.C.! He, along with the early films of the Marx Brothers, are to me much needed relief from the over seriocity of our times. -Where humor can only be seen as "funny" after it has passed some sort of a sniff test.

W.C. saw that process, even then, at work. And stuck his thumb in its eye (again and again).

Can you imagine the outcry if this were made today?



-don

That whole scene trying to sleep out on the porch. "I'd say you're a man about 50."
"Yeah, you would say that..."
And then the whole 'Oh vegetable man...oh vegetable gentleman..." while creeping around quietly with a long barrel shotgun.

And I also think the pathos of the closing scenes where his dreams are completely shattered, and then...
 

jamesgpobog

Squier-holic
Feb 18, 2020
3,707
SoCal
Who of you has a cat ?

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Am there right now. Gracie and Lilly just back from the vet from getting spayed.
 

jamesgpobog

Squier-holic
Feb 18, 2020
3,707
SoCal
"California is the only place in the world where you can freeze to death sleeping under a rose bush in full bloom."

Fields was in his final hospital visit. A friend stopped by for a visit and found Fields reading a bible. When asked with surprise what he was doing, Fields replied "Looking for loopholes." If you think about that incident, there are some very interesting implications.
 

ScoobySnacker

Squier-holic
Dec 4, 2018
1,561
Never-reach, NY
I, too, really enjoy W.C.! He, along with the early films of the Marx Brothers, are to me much needed relief from the over seriocity of our times. -Where humor can only be seen as "funny" after it has passed some sort of a sniff test.

W.C. saw that process, even then, at work. And stuck his thumb in its eye (again and again).

Can you imagine the outcry if this were made today?



-don

Old school comedy proves that timing is everything. To this day.
 

ScoobySnacker

Squier-holic
Dec 4, 2018
1,561
Never-reach, NY
William Claude was also famously known for his thoughts about drinking water.

If you are unfamiliar with the quote, I can only state that it was a reference to a certain activity performed by fish. I will say no more, as I do not care to be relegated to the cornfield.
 

jamesgpobog

Squier-holic
Feb 18, 2020
3,707
SoCal
There is a scene in a Fields film I should remember the name of. His work desk is a large roll-up which when opened, reveals itself to be stuffed with papers.

His boss asks Fields for a particular document and Fields starts being Fields, mumbling under his breath and poking around in the papers.
After a bit, 'Ahhhh...here it is' or some such, and he pulls out the correct document.

The lesson is, don't judge a book by it's cover. Fields knew exactly where every single piece of paper was.
 


Latest posts

Top