Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    A senior lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250. She demanded to know why the charge was so high.
    "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
    The clerk told her that $250 is the 'standard rate' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
    She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use".
    "But I didn't use them," she said.
    ''Well, they are here and you could have", explained the Manager.
    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here", the Manager said.
    "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
    "Well, we have them and you could have", the Manager replied.
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.
    After several minutes of discussion and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for $50."
    "That's correct. I charged you $200 for sleeping with me", she replied.
    "But I didn't", exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
    "Well, too bad. I was here and you could have".
    Don't mess with Senior Citizens!
     
  2. JurnyWannaBe

    JurnyWannaBe Squier-holic

    Age:
    61
    Feb 14, 2019
    30808
    What concert costs just 45 cents?

    50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
     
  3. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Who'da thunk I'd find a field hockey stick at my local Dome Heepo?

    board curved.jpg
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2021
  4. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    440
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A rather grouchy old guy is in his favourite armchair watching the game when his doorbell rings. Cussing he goes and opens the front door. " Hi I am your new neighbour and as your house is the same as mine I wondered how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the front room ". Grouchy guy says Eight and closes the door. A week later the new neighbour sees him in the front garden and says Hi I papered my front room but have three rolls of paper left over ? Grouchy guy says " So do I " ...............
     
  5. gmt124

    gmt124 Squier-Nut

    Age:
    67
    563
    Aug 11, 2019
    Wales, UK
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I predict an Oregon victory.

    Oregon vs Oregon.jpg
     
  7. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    440
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    It is bedtime and little Johnny has just been read his fairy story by his dad.
    Johnny asks his father " do all Fairy Stories start with One upon a time .... "
    His dad replies " no Johnny a lot start with I Promise if Elected ........
     
  8. BlueSquirrel

    BlueSquirrel Squier-holic

    Dec 21, 2018
    France
  9. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Not a joke but reading this headline made me laugh.

    "Guy puts Corvette engine in his Tesla."
     
  10. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Welcome to my world.

    dop21 fawn butt Sep 19.jpg
     
    motorhead, mb doug, Robb and 2 others like this.
  11. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    In the shop building RCs.
    Singing in the shower is fun, until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a Soap Opera.
     
  12. wak atak

    wak atak Squier-Meister

    Age:
    43
    110
    Jul 8, 2021
    florida
    what does a house wear= address,waht does a car wear?+ attire
    thank me later
     
  13. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    440
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Doctor jokes to raise a smile:

    My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must lessen the amount of stress in my life.

    When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor". What is my Mother going to do !

    Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant." Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!" Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

    The Baby was so ugly the Doctor slapped the mother. When they were being discharged he told the mother to hang a Pork chop around the Baby's neck. When she asked how that would help the Doctor said " well at least the dog will play with him ".
     
  14. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    Did you hear they found that missing nurse????

    yep, they found her under the doc
     
  15. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    440
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Old ( like me ) Jokes.

    Nurse: Doctor there is a guy in the waiting room, he says it is Urgent, he thinks he is a Pool ball.
    Doctor: Tell him to get to the end of the Cue.

    Nurse: this guy thinks he is a pair of curtains.
    Doctor: Tell him to Pull himself together.

    Nurse: The Invisible man is outside.
    Doctor: Tell him I can't see him.
     
    miket1117, Robb and Eddd like this.