Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    429
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Engineering class, first lesson. The teacher asks so who knows what a Ball Race is. Little Jimmy replies " a Tom Cat with 5 yards start on the Vet " ..........
     
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  2. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
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    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    The Vicar is lonely living all alone so he decides to get a pet to keep him company. He goes down to the Pet shop and his looking around when the owner asks him what he is looking for. The Vicar explains and the owner says I have the very pet for you and takes him over to where there is a Parrot in a cage. The owner says this is easy to look after and what's more he talks so he will keep you company. I will take it says the Vicar. When he gets home he places the cage on the coffee table. The Parrot remarks I don't like it here there is a Bloody draft I am getting a Flippin chill. The Vicar is horrified and tells the Parrot Ok I will move you but no more bad language. A little later the Parrot says Hey Vicar I am Bloody hungry give me a Bloody cracker. The Vicar replies I warned you about your foul mouth maybe it needs cooling down and he takes the Parrot and shoves him into the chest freezer. The Parrot takes a look around and right at the back finds a frozen chicken all covered with frost. Whisky Tango Foxtrot says the Parrot what did you Say ..........
     
  3. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
  4. Year Zero

    Year Zero Squier-Meister

    Age:
    59
    329
    Oct 27, 2020
    Pennsylvania
    5 musicians on stage playing in different keys and signatures is called what?

    A Jazz band. :cool:
     
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  5. brians

    brians Squier-holic

    Oct 1, 2017
    South Africa
    Good morning all, hope you get a smile from these
     

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  6. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Feeling a bit horny.
    Hirbbt 1.jpg
     
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  7. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    What kinda speed was it travelling when it hit the other side of the wall ?????
     
  8. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I winterized my car this morning.

    Camaro camper.jpg
     
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  9. DrBeGood

    DrBeGood Dr. Squier

    Dec 9, 2014
    Sutton QC, CANADA
  10. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    In the shop building RCs.
    Come on guys, don't knock it, it keeps the flies out.
    Just like a submarine with a screen door.
     
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  11. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    One of those bits of wisdom in the men's room just above the urinal:

    "What are you looking up here for? The joke is in your hand."
     
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  12. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    92
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Shoulder Tap.jpg
     

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  13. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Thank you Loin Lover for helping me appreciate my own car again.
    I would not say my car is in worse shape than yours but two nights ago someone broke into it and Installed a Radio ! :):):):)
     
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  14. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    429
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Trending on a previous joke by Brians.

    A husband arrives home unexpected mid morning. His wife and her lover are busy in the bedroom and hear him. The guy starts to grab his clothes but the wife says there is no time for that and bundles him out of the french doors. The guy hides in the bushes whilst trying to work out how to get back home to his house a mile or so up the street when he notices a bunch of joggers coming along. As the bunch pass his hiding place he slips out and works his way into the middle of the group. The one jogger says to him " do you always Jog naked " and he replies Yes. Why are you wearing a Condom asks the Jogger " er! it was Raining when I started out this morning says the guy ..............
     
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  15. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    429
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    During a Golf game a guy with a terrible slice angrily turns to his Caddie and says " every time I tee off you look at your watch, is there somewhere you have to get too ? ". With a grin the Caddie replies " it is not a watch it is a Compass " ........
     
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  16. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    429
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A lady is in her local fresh food shop and as she passes the preparation room the door is slightly ajar. She is Horrified to see the guy take a ball of mince, place it in is Armpit and Squeeze. The lady assistant passes her at that moment and alarmed the lady asks " does he always make the Burger Patties that way ? ". The assistant replies " oh ! that's nothing you should see how he makes the Ring Donuts " ........
     
  17. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Not so much a joke as it is a riddle:

    Neither does the sword do more damage than the dagger once either enters the heart.
     
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