Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    What To Do and what Not to Do when arriving home at 2am after a night out with the boys.

    When you are met at the front door by your angry wife who is holding a Broom. Do not say " hi dear are you going out for a Ride ".

    Rather what you Do do instead of trying to sneak in quietly, Rev the car on the driveway, slam the car door, open the front door and in a loud voice utter " boy am I feeling Horny " she will be fast asleep ......
     
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  2. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Advice to you guys who are arriving home at 2am after a boys Night out. Do's and Don'ts.
    When you meet the wife at the front door and she has a broom in her hand. Do not say hi love are you off for a ride.

    On the other hand do not try to sneak in quietly. Rev the car on the driveway, slam the car door and on entering the front door announce I am up for it tonight .... She will be fast asleep .......
     
  3. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    92
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    89 year old Ron Chester was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
    Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    Ron replied, "That would be my wife.
     
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  4. Charvel Guy

    Charvel Guy Squier-Meister

    Age:
    51
    248
    Jul 11, 2018
    Texas
    Monty Python destroyed a city block on the episode of How Not To Be Seen. That guy must have been taking notes.
     
  5. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb....Everybody knows they won't fit into a light bulb.
     
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  6. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Sunday morning at the boating lake run by Jake and his wife Cath. Jake looks up from reading his newspaper and says to Cath " something odd happening out there with boat 61. Sure is says Cath coz we only got 20 boats. Jake grabs the microphone and asks " boat 19 is everything OK " .........
     
    Eddd, mb doug, strat_strummer and 3 others like this.
  7. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    I work in a small company which raises Donations of Goods or cash for a school for Blind and Partially Sighted Children. Six of us phone companies to raise their interest. On the odd occasion that the Receptionist is rude we have a plan.
    Taking it in turns we phone the company throughout the day and ask to speak to Cedric only to be told that there is no Cedric working there. At the end of the business day one of us phones in and says to the Rude person " Hi, this is Cedric are there any messages for me " ..........
     
  8. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    In the shop building RCs.
    I've learned that relationships are like algebra.
    Ever look at your x and wonder y?
     
  9. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Looking to change my diet I went to a newly opened Bijou Fish shop in my neighbourhood. Fancy names and Fancy prices. I came across one of their speciality items Cod Balls, I was surprised because I did not even know that Fish had Fingers .........
     
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  10. DrBeGood

    DrBeGood Dr. Squier

    Dec 9, 2014
    Sutton QC, CANADA
    My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.
    I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
     
  11. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    How do you act when you arrive invited to a fancy soire' that includes old cowboy movie actors and WWII German high officials.?
    You Mix and Mengele of course....

    The young guys won't get this at all.
     
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  12. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Dr. Squier

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
    Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
    They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
    'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
    'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
    The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered...
    'Is that one word or two?'
     
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  13. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Piet Van Der Merwe is a hardworking farmer and his wife is called Hetty. Piet knows no airs and graces having only a basic education. Hetty wins a Posh, first class Ocean Cruise in Farmers Weekly.
    On the first morning at Breakfast Piet and Hetty are seated at the same table as an English couple and an American couple. The English guy gazes at his wife and says " please pass me the Sugar, sugar. A little while later the American guy turns to his wife and says " please pass me the Honey, honey.
    Piet thinks well maybe I should respond so he turns to Hetty and says " please pass me the Bacon, pig ........
     
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  14. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    342
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A guy goes to see his doctor and tells him that when he goes to the toilet for a Number 2 it comes out like Spaghetti. Ok says the doctor take off your shirt and drop your pants and I will take a look. Ah! he says I will fix the problem and goes over to a shiny box and when he raises the lid steam drifts out. With a gloved hand he removes a large pair of scissors and approaches the terrified looking patient who asks what the heck are you going to do, will it hurt ? No says the doctor I am going to trim Six inches off the hem of your String Vest .......
     
    Robb likes this.