Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    My nurse at the gastrointestinal clinic.

    Covid WWI mask.jpg
     
  2. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    On March 7 1876 Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. It was useless until March 8 when he invented the second one.
    He then phoned the second one from the first one and it was engaged.
    When he got through he said to his assistant " Watson come here ".
    Watson replied " I can't I am on the Phone ".
     
  3. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    It has been a busy day in Air Traffic Control and Steve has a fuzzy headache and wants to go home, relax with a cold beer.
    Suddenly the radio crackles into life. Mayday Mayday is the call.
    Steve grabs the Mic and asks what is the problem.
    The voice replies the Starboard engine has failed and the Port engine is on fire.
    Keep calm Steve says. What is your height and position.
    The voice replies " 5 foot 6 and I am in the Front Seat .............
     
  4. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    One for all you Wine lovers:

    After morning prayers in the Nunnery the Mother Superior addresses the assembled Nuns. Sisters she says, I have to report that we have found a Case of Syphilis. A young Novice Nun exclaims " Hooray for that because the Chablis is terrible ".
     
  5. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    For all you fans of Glen Miller and his orchestra ..........

    Its the old west and in the saloon Roy Rogers immaculately dressed as always in his all white duds and big wide stetson is drinking a glass of milk from a dirty glass to prove he is tough. He is deep in conversation with the bartender telling him about his brand new boots that cost two months wages. He feels a tug at his left foot and looks down to see a cat taking a bite out of his left boot. He goes for his six gun but the cat is too quick and runs out of the saloon. Looking at the damage he shouts out to all the cowboys in the bar " 200 dollars in gold for the man who brings me that cat ". The bar quickly empties but the cowboys soon return empty handed. Roy fuming and getting more Angry every passing second orders another glass of milk.
    Suddenly the batwing doors to the saloon swing open to reveal a cowboy holding a cat by the scruff of the neck and he sings out " Pardon me Roy is this the Cat that Chewed your New Shoes " ............
     
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  6. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    I was sat in my lounge yesterday evening with the Gas heater pumping away as it was near to freezing outside. Don't let the fact that I live in Africa fool you, Johannesburg at this time of the year gets pretty darn cold. I got to thinking about my early childhood at school and smiled as i remebered the following.

    We would shuffle into the History classroom, sit down and swing our legs as the teacher wrote scrolls of text on the Chalkboard. When finished he would turn around clap is hands for attention and say " Right now all look at the Board whilst I Run through it ".

    Another of his often used Bloopers was to admonish us unruly kids by saying " every time I open my mouth some fool speaks ".

    Oh happy days.
     
  7. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    Two friends Steve and Tony are fishing. Steve announces I am getting married next week. Tony replies but you are a dyed in the wool Batchelor what changed your mind is she darn Pretty. No says Steve, plain Jane borderline ugly. So says Tony is she Rich. No says Steve poor as a church mouse. Tony thinks for a while and says she must be a super cook. No says Steve she can burn water. Tony is now at a loss and says so why the hell are you marrying her. Steve says Because she's got Worms.
     
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  8. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A comedian was driving down the road when he was involved in a slight fender bender with the car in front. The cars door opened and out got a short 4ft 6inch guy who inspected the damage to the rear of is car. He went to the comedian and said " I am not Happy ". the comedian said " well which one are you ".
     
  9. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    It's a chilly late evening and a thick blanket of Fog and mist as hidden the moon from view. the dim yellow glow of street lights don't do much to pierce the gloom. Ted and Alice are preparing to retire for the night when their front door bell rings. Alice says who the heck can that be and Ted replies I will go and look Honey. At the door is a little guy partially hidden by the gloom who asks " can you give me a Push " ? Ted closes the door and heads back to the warmth of his bedroom. Alice who had witnessed the exchange remarks Darling that is not nice, remember when we got stuck and the guard at the shopping centre helped us start the car, we were so grateful then ! Ok says Ted feeling a twinge of guilt, and goes back to the front door. Peering into the swirling gloom he shouts Ok where are You. An unseen voice replies " I am over here On the Swings ! ".
     
  10. Kenneth Mountain

    Kenneth Mountain Squier-Axpert

     
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  11. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    1. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
    2. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
    3. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.
    4. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're on the other side!"
     
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  12. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A guy wakes up in the recovery room at the hospital to find the surgeon waiting at his bedside. The surgeon asks well how are you feeling. The patient replies I have a bit of pain where my appendix was removed but I also have a dull ache in my Groin area. Well. yes about that. You were on the table and the anaesthetist was busy putting you to sleep. I turned to the young new assistant surgeon and said I am off to get gowned up, whilst I am gone please remove is Spectacles. He must have a hearing problem.
     
  13. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    My friend wouldn't eat beef tongue since it came from a cow's mouth.

    I scrambled eggs instead.
     
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  14. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

  15. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
    75
    161
    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when suddenly Tonto reins in his horse, slips from it's back and lies on the floor. The Lone Ranger asks what is it Tonto. who replies Buffalo come. Oh says the Lone Ranger can you feel the Vibrations of their hooves. No says Tonto, Ear Stuck to Ground !
     
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  16. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    After having a Coke at the pharmacy I felt so good I bought another. And another. Soon I ran out of money.

    Then I made the first Tab. ;-)

    Coke.jpg