Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says,
    “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”
    The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
    The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight.
    When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision.
    As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,
    “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
     
    MrYeats, mb doug, Robb and 3 others like this.
  2. brians

    brians Squier-holic

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  3. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    MrYeats, mb doug, Exhead and 8 others like this.
  4. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I don't care if folks do not like my personality.
    I have several others.
     
  5. T-Rey

    T-Rey Squier-Meister

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    My buddies 7 year old grand-daughter told this one the other day.

    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Why?
    To go to the dummy's house.
    Knock knock?
    Who's there?
    The chicken..

    Lololol! I thought it was funny! Burned by a 7 year old!!!
     
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  6. Charvel Guy

    Charvel Guy Squier-Meister

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    mb doug, Robb and Loin Lover like this.
  7. ScoobySnacker

    ScoobySnacker Squier-holic

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    Never-reach, NY

    It's not fair I can't like this several times.
     
  8. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    A guy was having a stroll around his back garden when he noticed the neighbours little girl patting a mound of soil in their lawn. What are you doing he asks the girl. I am burying my Goldfish she replies. So why did you dig such a big hole asks the guy. Because it was inside your Cat she replies.
     
  9. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    A Tortoise goes into the police station and says he wants to report a mugging. The sergeant on duty says tell me what happened. Well I was walking down the lane and I was set upon by a gang of Snails. The sergeant asks, would you recognise these snails again ? No replies the Tortoise it all happened too fast.
     
  10. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    A rather deaf elderly guy goes to a massage parlour as he has a nagging pain in his thigh. After the massage the lady says would you like Super Sex. he thinks for a moment and replies " if it is all the same to you I will have the Soup "
     
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  11. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    Two elderly guys sitting in a bar. Joe says " I got a Top of the Range hearing aid last week" Oh says Peter what type is it. Ten past four replies Joe.
     
  12. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    Two guys are walking in the Savanna prairie of Africa when they spot a Lion resting in the shade of a tree. The lion sees them and starts slowly advancing towards them. first guy says oh oh this does not look good and kneels down to tighten the laces of his trainers. Second guy says there is no way you are going to out-run a lion. First guy replies I know that but all I have to do is out-run YOU.
     
  13. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Jun 19, 2021
    Johannesburg South Africa
    A guy goes into a Bar, sits down at the bar counter and orders a beer. After a short while he reaches into the left pocket of his overcoat and brings out a small baby grand piano and stool and places them on the bar top. Reaching into the right pocket he lifts out a little man about 9 inches tall and puts him on the bar. The little fellow sits at the piano and starts to play a lovely piece by Chopin. The bartender comes over and says to the guy that's something I have never seen before where did you get the Pianist. The guy replies I found an old green wine bottle and gave it a rub to clean it and pulled out the cork, and out popped a Genie who said thank you for releasing me and for that think of something you have always wanted and I will grant your wish. And it turns out the Genie did not hear me correctly.
     
  14. OOMTOM

    OOMTOM Squier-Meister

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    You have to be careful when ordering things on-line. I felt I needed the company of a dog so I ordered a German Shepherd on-line. I now have a guy from Bavaria called Helmut living with me !