Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
     
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  2. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Urinate, I benign.

    Intensities in ten cities are causing problems in tent cities.
     
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  3. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot..
     
  4. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Time flies...They are the ones wearing watches.
     
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  5. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    We all know about last names and where they came from...
    If your dad was a wood worker.....Carpenter
    If your dad milled corn......Miller
    If your dad made clothing......Taylor
    What did John Hancock's dad do?
     
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Inspected roosters. ;-)
     
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  7. Bob the builder

    Bob the builder Squier-Nut

    Age:
    60
    731
    Feb 25, 2017
    Rhode Island USA
    One time, just one time & he got a reputation that'll last forever
     
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  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  9. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    What is it that drives a plumber more crazy than trying to figure out exotic pipe angles?
    The woman who calls you to come fix her sink drain.
    When you get there you notice that the drain is fine and you ask? Why fix it if it's not broke?
    She says, "Well, if you don't fix it now I just know that it will break soon.
     
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  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  11. DADGAD

    DADGAD Squier-Meister

    Age:
    67
    430
    Nov 1, 2017
    California
  12. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
  13. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Today is both National Grammar Day and National Pancake Day.

    I'm so confused I decided I ain't going to IHOP.
     
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  14. Birddog144

    Birddog144 Squier-holic Double Platinum Member

    Age:
    70
    Apr 24, 2015
    South Oceanside, CA
  15. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    A woman will readily agree to raise the toilet lid when she leaves.
     
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  16. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  17. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    A Scottish Golf Story

    John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

    Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

    But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

    "Yes, I do," said Shawn. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."
     
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  18. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    True story from my recent road trip.

    Situation:
    Me. I have never been a fan of Robert Zimmerman's voice (Bob Dylan).
    I have often howlingly and/or whiningly nasally mocked his voice over the decades.
    According to Mrs. Lover I "look scary" when masked with sunglasses and ball cap.
    In a public roadside restroom with several side-by-side urinals. I am wearing mask, sunglasses, cap.
    The restroom is busy. Physiologically I am slow.
    "Like a Rolling Stone" is playing rather loudly through the overhead speakers.
    I begin singi ... howling, whining.
    Nobody knows exactly where this atrocious audible littering is coming from.
    Many come and go (no pun intended). It is quite a long song (say 'long song' singing like Bob).
    Snickering and comments. Several.
    It is difficult to howl whist suppressing laughter.

    No wonder I have very few friends.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2021
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  19. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    LOL one of the very reason's I like forums, my friends are equipped with volume control ...:D