Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

    He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
    How soon can I go home?'
     
  2. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  3. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    Everyone can use a little “grammar” update now and then, so here’s yours for today...

    Is it "complete", "finished", or "completely finished"?
    No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these
    two words - "Complete" or "Finished".

    In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best
    in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing
    ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

    The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and
    FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference
    between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'

    Here is his astute answer:

    "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
    woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
    you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"


    He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
     
  4. Geode

    Geode Squier-holic

    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    Bennett Cerf, noted writer
    & publisher, was once
    asked to define 'eloquence'.
    He replied, 'The ability,
    to describe Rachel Welch
    with, one hand."
     
  5. DougMen

    DougMen Dr. Squier

    Age:
    66
    Jun 8, 2017
    Honolulu, HI
    I really miss What's My Line on the Game Show Network. Bennett, Dorothy, Arlene, Steve Allen (or other rotating 4th panelist), and the also always eloquent John Charles Daly. I wish they would bring it back, along with I've Got a Secret, and To Tell the Truth. And, there's a new Name That Tune on Sunday night on ABC, along with the other game shows they've resurrected, but of course without Tom Kennedy.
     
    Geode and Kenneth Mountain like this.
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
  7. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Dr. Squier ‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    His insurance company probably won't cover damages in an accident.
     
    Viking, Geode and Kenneth Mountain like this.
  8. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
     
  9. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  11. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Two gators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the Koi pound at the White House..
    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
    'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
    'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
    'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
    'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot behind the White House.'
    'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'
    'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and
    eat 'em!'
    'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
    You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ******* and a briefcase.
    I don't know who came up with this, but I thank you, it is GREAT!
     
  12. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer John Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
    But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
     
  13. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I figured out where that "extra" bolt, washer, and nut goes to.

    fork fell off.jpg
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2021