Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. CVSteve

    CVSteve Squier-holic ‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas
    This has been shown before I’m sure but is still funny.


    COVID-19: Author unknown.

    1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

    2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to

    someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

    3. 2019: Stay away from negative people.

    2020: Stay away from positive people.

    4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of

    the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

    5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious

    she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house and

    told my cat. We laughed a lot.

    6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.

    Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

    7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just

    keep washing our hands?

    8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel

    sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home!

    9. I never thought the comment, "l wouldn't touch him/her with a

    6-foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!

    10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

    11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the

    Backyard. I'm getting tired of the Living Room.

    12. Appropriate analogy. "The curve is flattening so we can start

    lifting restrictions now" is like saying "The parachute has slowed

    our rate of descent, so we can take it off now."

    13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to

    a bank teller wearing a mask & asking for money.

    14. The spread of COVID-19 is based on 2 things:

    #1 How dense the population is.

    #2 How dense the population is.
     
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  2. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  3. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    How do you prounounce the capital city of Kentucky?

    Lou-is-ville, prounouncing the 'S'?

    Or Lou-ie-ville?

    We saw the capital building today.

    First time we had been there.

    Saw Dan'l Boone's grave.

    Frankfort.
     

    Attached Files:

  4. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    And it's Loo-a-ville.
    Not the Capitol.
    Or just Loo-ville.
    And Lex-n-tin.
     
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  5. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    The new "Perfect Country and Western" song.
     
  6. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Ask a lady politely, to look down the neck of her dress and spell attic.
     
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  7. DougMen

    DougMen Dr. Squier

    Age:
    66
    Jun 8, 2017
    Honolulu, HI
    It's pronounced Louie-ville
     
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  8. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    Maybe 2nd best. To me, 1st is still: David Allan Coe w/Waylon, Charley & Merle: 'You Never Even Call Me By My Name'.

    'I was drunk, the day that mom, got out of prison.
    And I went, to pick her up,
    in the rain.
    But before I could get to the station, in my, pick-up truck,
    She got run over by a damned old train'.

    Classic...
     
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  9. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    @DougMen
    Maybe in the 5-0, but in
    the 'Commonwealth' &
    specifically, Jeff Co, it's
    Loo- a -vul, thank ya..!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2021
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  10. Birddog144

    Birddog144 Squier-holic Double Platinum Member

    Age:
    70
    Apr 24, 2015
    South Oceanside, CA
    I always heard it pronounced (with a southern drawl): Looovllll :rolleyes:
     
  11. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    Joe asked, As a frequent flyer, do you prefer BOAC coffee...
    Or, TWA tea?
     
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  12. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
  13. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    He got it..!!
    As long as there's no
    'E' or 'S'.
     
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  14. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier Platinum Supporting Member

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    If a doctor didn't have any patience, he probably wouldn't have any patients.
     
  15. brians

    brians Squier-holic

    Age:
    51
    Oct 1, 2017
    South Africa
    Two life long friends are enjoying a couple drams in their local pub.
    Murphy says to Pat:

    Pat, if I went over to your house and made love to your wife and we had a child, would we then be cousins?

    Pat thinks long and hard and answers:

    Murph my matey, no, but we would be even .
     
  16. Geode

    Geode Squier-Nut

    870
    Nov 30, 2020
    MB, SC
    Many more later...

    Pat goes to relieve himself,
    but being smashed, he
    neglects to put it away, when he's done.

    After a bit, Murph says: Hey, buddy, don't move, there's a snake crawling up yer leg...

    Pat says, Well, kill it man..!!
    So, Murphy hauls off & cracks a bottle on it, as hard as he can...

    Pat crys out:
    All saints Murph,
    hit it again, man.
    The sucker just bit me..!!
     
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  17. brians

    brians Squier-holic

    Age:
    51
    Oct 1, 2017
    South Africa
    Yes, and it doesn't inspire a lot of confidence when they tell you they still practicing as a doctor.

    My docs been practicing for 30 years, you would think he'd be ready to stop practicing and get on with the real thing.