Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert Gold Supporting Member

    Age:
    91
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    [​IMG]

    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
    Arlene: What in the hell is that?
    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Arlene: Where did you get it?
    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
    The pharmacist fainted.
     
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2020
  2. -r3-

    -r3- Squier-holic

    Age:
    51
    Jan 28, 2016
    NC Piedmont
    One of my favorite hams, hamming it up.
    William Shatner feat. Pat Travers - I Put A Spell…:
     
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  3. A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Alberta and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.


    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Saskatchewan ."


    Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.


    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."


    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.


    "How many customers bought something from you today?"


    The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,


    "One". The boss says "Just one?!!?

    Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.


    That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Alberta. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Saskatchewan, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."


    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically),

    "So, how much was your one sale for?"


    The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".


    The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!?

    What the heck did you sell?"


    The kid says, "Well, first,I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.


    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down to Lake Minnetonka so I told him he was going to need a boat,so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.


    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishin'...
     
  4. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer ^^ Doing what I do best^^ Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
    ^^^^ good gawd my face hurts....hahahaha
     
  5. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I was an OK student. I knew my A B Ds by the 5th grade.
     
  6. spellcaster

    spellcaster Squier-Meister

    365
    Nov 25, 2010
    Duncan, BC Canada
    A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
    "Hey, show us yer ****, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
    Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
    Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
    Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
     
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  7. mb doug

    mb doug Squier-holic Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 4, 2012
    Long Island
  8. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer ^^ Doing what I do best^^ Silver Supporting Member

    Age:
    59
    Nov 24, 2018
    RC addiction....
  9. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-holic

    Feb 3, 2017
    NH
    Why couldn't The Green Pepper shoot his bow? Because he didn't habanero.
     
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  10. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    How much does it cost to pierce a pirate's ear?

    A buccaneer.
     
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  11. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
    The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
    'Eight', the boy replied.
    The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
    The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
    "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
    "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
     
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  12. CVSteve

    CVSteve Squier-holic ‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎

    Age:
    66
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas
    Which side of a fish has the most scales?



    The outside.
     
  13. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier

    Age:
    65
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    I thought that was just expensive corn on the cob.
     
  14. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    I heard The Moron Brothers sing this tonight.

    Susie Lee done fell in love,
    She planned to marry Joe.
    She was so happy 'bout it all,
    She told her Pappy so.

    Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
    You'll have to find another.
    I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know,
    But Joe is yo' half-brother."

    So Susie put aside her Joe,
    And planned to marry Bill.
    But, after telling Pappy this,
    He said, "There's trouble still.

    You cain't marry Bill, my gal,
    And please don't tell yo' mother,
    But Bill and Joe and several mo'
    I know is yo' half-brother."

    But Mama knew and said "My Child,
    Just do what makes yo' happy.
    Marry Bill or marry Joe,
    ...you ain't no kin to Pappy.
     
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  15. MrYeats

    MrYeats Dr. Squier

    Age:
    65
    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
    Military Intelligence:
    In the parking lot Privates park in General parking area.
    Generals park in the Private parking area.
     
  16. speelyei

    speelyei Squier-Meister

    Age:
    48
    252
    Sep 22, 2020
    Mesa, AZ
    E0FC3E6A-22C0-44A6-90FD-18603670FC70.jpeg
    I’m sure this classic has made it’s way here before...
     
  17. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    "I am an outdoorsman. Any time I am not inside that's where you will find me."
    Bob Hope
     
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  18. brians

    brians Squier-holic

    Age:
    50
    Oct 1, 2017
    South Africa
    Apologies Aus.
    I couldn't resist this one.
     

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