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Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.
Welcome to the Great White North.
A dog and his owner walked into a store, and the store manager said "Sorry, we do not allow pets in this store. You must leave."
And the dog's owner replied "But this dog is a special dog, he can talk!"
The store manager then says "Okay, prove it."
"You can ask him anything you want. " says the dog's owner
So the manager asks the dog "What is on the outside of a tree?"
The dog replies "Bark!"
Then the manager asks the dog " What is on top of a house?"
The dog replies "Roof!"
For his final question, the manager asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?"
The dog replies "Ruth!"
The manager says "This dog can't talk! Get out of here."
The dog and his owner sadly walk out of the store.
The dog looks at his owner and shrugs his shoulders and says "DiMaggio?"
We‘re 2 months into self-isolation & it’s very upsetting to see my wife at the living room window gazing into space with tears rolling down her cheeks.
It breaks my heart. I’ve thought hard about how I can cheer her up.
I've even considered letting her in, but rules are rules!
Although not originally intended as a joke, it looks pretty darn funny to me. I mean who doesn't need some "Throbbing Vibrato" now and then??
"Tricks of Tape Splicing" ... I'd long forgot about that. Cheers, Barrie.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Simple and intelligent ...
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter you’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
Two drunks was sitting in a bar the one says to the other “look at those old drunks across the room , that could be us in a few years” the other drunk says “ that’s a mirror dip$(!t
A guy runs a small family grocery/convenience store. A guy comes in, points a gun at him and says put all your money in a bag and give it up. The man obliges and the robber leaves with no further incident as onlookers were in shock... The owner phones 911 and soon police arrive.
"Sir can you give us a description?"
"Sure I can, he was wearing a mask."
Got dem ol' Crossroads Blues.
The shaving graph - Even though I am something of a shaving enthusiast I cut back to only shaving every other day.
Then I received this box of goodies from a fellow shaving enthusiast:
Samples and full containers of 23 different shaving soaps and creams, 9 different aftershaves, and three packs of double-edged blades.
I had only ever tried 5 of the products before, so I resumed daily shaves for this Grand Journey of Exploration.
BTW - those "Shaverboy" blades are impressive, even though they're only CAD$7.95 (USD$5.97) per 100 blades, with free shipping from Montréal. As good as any of the German or Russian-made blades at two or three times the cost.
I just stumbled on this on YouTube, and I thought it was pretty funny. Some of the newer SNL stuff is pretty good. Its not the same as the classic Akroyd, Belushi, Murray, Chase, Radner, Curtin years, but it's still funny. Don't forget that's where Eddie Murphy got his start (and quite a few other too), with Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood, I'm Gumby Dammit, Buckwheat and Otay, James Brown, and Tyrone Green, prison poet with Kill my Landlord, Kill my Landlord.