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Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.
Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.
“We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”
“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.
As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.”
"Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”
But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked.
“Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”
Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”
Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
I've quit my office job, the bloke on the desk next to mine said "Can I use your Dictaphone?" I said "Absolutely not, use your finger like everyone else!"
Paddy and Mick were in their local jobcentre in Dublin, checking out the available jobs on the board, "Would you look at dat", said Paddy, "Bricklayers wanted and we can't lay bricks"
"Heres another" said Mick, "Plumbers wanted and we can't plumb"
"And this one here is just our luck,",said Paddy, "Tree Fellers wanted and there's only two of us"
"News" from the Babylon Bee...
Be careful out there guys!
That's my kind of answer when people ask if I'd donate a painting for some cause.
Two women having a glass of wine by the pool, on a fine sunny afternoon.
Guest woman ask the host: Where's your husband ?
We've had a bad argument last night, he's in the garden, host respond.
Guest: I just came from there and I didn't see him.
Host: Did you dig ?
Might surprise some that I can be an absolutely eloquent, silver-tongued sumbeech, when th situation merits it, but I'll Suwannee I probly couldna come up with a better response than this...
Still lmao, thanks!
That dude cracks me up!
Police officer asked me, during a traffic stop, What is your birthday. I said December 14. He said what year. I said every year...
I am now recovering from blunt force trauma to the skull.
For those who tend to prefer a classical style...
A little lad tells his dad he wants to play Bass guitar. So dad duly buys him one and takes him for his first lesson.
Dad picks his son up at 9pm, "how'd the lesson go son?"
"Great thanks dad, I learnt my first note"
Next week he takes him again, drops hi off, pick A him up at 9pm
"How'd the lesson go son?"
"Great thanks dad, I learnt my second note"
The following week dad drops him off, picks him up at 9pm
"How'd the lesson go son? Did you learn your third note?"
"No lesson tonight dad, I had a gìg."
Little Johnny said "Mommy, I want to be a guitar player when I grow up". Mommy had to tell him, "I'm sorry honey, you can't do both".