These 3 construction workers – an Aussie, an Irishman and an American – are about to have lunch while sitting on the 40th floor of a construction site.
The Aussie opens his lunch box and sees a Vegemite sandwich. He groans and says, “You know what, if my wife makes me another Vegemite sandwich I’m going to jump off this damn building.”
The American then opens his lunch box to find a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He says to the other two guys, “You know what, if my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I’m jumping off too.”
The Irishman then opens his lunch box and sees a ham sandwich. He in turn says to the other two, “If I get another ham sandwich I’m jumping as well.”
The next day at lunch the Aussie opens his lunch box to discover another Vegemite sandwich so, true to his word, he jumps.
The American opens his lunch box too and sees another peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so he also jumps off.
The Irishman then opens his lunch box and finds another ham sandwich. So he also jumps too.
The funeral is a week later and all their wives are gathered together in a circle crying.
The wife of the Aussie says “Why, oh why, did I only make him Vegemite sandwiches? I could have changed it at least once and he’d still be here.”
The American wife says “I should have made a different sandwich and not forced him to have the same one every day.”
The wife of the Irishman stands back in confusion, looks at the other two women and says, “I don’t understand it – he always made his own lunch.”
An old man named Joe decided his beautiful young wife, Ann, was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The audiology specialist said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening Ann was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Joe was in the living room, so he decides to do the test. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the FIFTH time, Joe, CHICKEN!"
A Cross eyed Judge was trying 3 cross eyed suspects.
He says to suspect number 1 " where were you on the night of the 14th "
Suspect number 2 replies " I was home in bed your Honour "
The Judge looks at him and says " I was not speaking to you "
Suspect 3 says " I didn't open my mouth " ..........
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and rotate your top hand over a little more...."
An Elderly newly married couple are getting ready for their first time in bed together.
She says " I must warn you, I have Acute Angina ".
He replies " I hope so because your Ti*s are rubbish " ............
A guy gets excited because he just heard that his synagogue is holding a raffle and third prize is a brand new Cadillac. If that’s third prize, what can second and first be???
He figures that if he buys half of the tickets, he’s got a pretty good chance of making some sort of big win, so that’s what he does.
The night of the raffle comes and the synagogue is packed and the drawing starts.
The guy is pretty excited as the third prize ticket is called……but the guy doesn’t have the ticked. He’s a little disappointed, but is still very confident that his chances are good that he’ll win big.
The ticket is pulled, and he’s a winner! He eagerly moves forward to collect his prize, and the cantor hands him a frosted layer cake.
The guy is incredulous… “Hold on here!!! Third prize is a new Cadillac, and second prize is a damn cake?”
The Cantor tells him “ Wait, that’s not just any cake, the Rabbi’s wife baked that cake. She put much love and care into making that cake…..” The guy explodes and says “F*** the Rabbi’s wife!!!!” The Cantor tells him “That’s first prize!”