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Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the
In the year 2017, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again the earth has become wicked and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives.”
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard — but no ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.
“I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the development appeal board for a decision.
“Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!
“When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal-rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
“Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-poof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment.
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the human rights commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.
“Immigration and naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than five cubits.
“The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”
Religion and Politics in one post!
I love it!
A woman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
A man dies and his widow is telling the funeral director about his final wishes:
Widow - "We didn't have much money, and the only thing he told me was he wanted to be buried in a nice blue suit. It would mean so much to me if you could do that."
Funeral Director - "I'm not sure what I can do, but I'll do my best."
The time for the funeral came, and the widow was thrilled to see her husband dressed in a beautiful blue suit. After the service she thanked the director:
Widow - "Oh, thank you! The suit was beautiful! How were you able to afford such a nice suit?"
Funeral Director - "It was an amazing coincidence. After you left a body was delivered. It was a man, dressed in that suit. It was blue and it was just the right size, and so I talked to the family. They didn't seem to mind, so I switched their heads."
What do you get when you throw a pig in the bushes?
A hedge hog.
I got arrested ...
wha .. ? no inappropriate jokes? It's not like I'm serious ... hold on .. waaaaiiittttt....
A young couple get married in Arkansas, go on their honeymoon. They start doing the newlywed thing, clothes flying everywhere.
About to consummate, the bride says "I love you so much. I'm glad I save myself for you."
The boy leaps from the bed and is falling all over the place trying to put his britches on while making a phone call. He said "Daddy Daddy, it's terrible! You won't believe it! It's awful!" Daddy asks what the problem is. "Daddy, my new wife, she's a virgin!"
Daddy says "OK boy, calm down. Pack your stuff and git on back home. If she ain't good enough for her family she ain't good enough for ours."
(I originally heard this about WV, seriously. Over the decades I've heard many states used and used them myself. I'm an Arkie, so there! Bubba Clinton jokes anyone?)
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked
him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or
I'll kick the tar out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
Actress : (Sniffs the air) Have you farted?!
Bishop : NO!!!!!
Actress : What? NEVER?!?!?!?!
It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.
“I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
“No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”
“Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”
“OK,” said the lad, “I’ll pick it up in about a week
Japants are falling down.
China to let japants fall down.
Ghana pull up japants or what?
Kenya PLEASE pull up japants?!
Japants fell down and I can see Djibouti.
You groan now, but you'll tell these to your kids or grandkids.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
Four college friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to drive to Dallas and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free-radical formation.
“Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”
Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: Worth 95 points: Which tire?
Two bulls standing on a hill watching a herd of cows grazing below..The young frisky bull prancing snorting say to the grizzly old bull,
"Hey Pops, what say we run down there and have our way with a couple of those fine looking young heifers ?"
The old bull calmly swishing flies of his backside, "why don't we walk down there and do them all ?"