Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no," the man replied."

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
     
  2. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A man moves to a small town and finds the local watering hole. So he sits down at the bar and orders three beers all at once. He then drinks each one in succession.

    The bartender says, "Sir, I could have poured you one beer after the other so they would all stay cold."

    The man says, "oh, they're not all for me. I have two brothers who travel all over the world. One is a sailor and the other is a pilot. We were very close when we were young and we made a pact that where ever we are, when we drink, we'll order three beers and drink together in spirit."

    The bartender says, "That's nice how you think about each other."

    This goes on for a few days. Then one day, the man orders just two beers and drinks them. The bartender is concerned but doesn't say anything out of respect for the man's privacy.

    The same thing happens the next day and the day after. Word gets out that the man lost one of his brothers and the townsfolk send the man flowers.

    The man returns to the bar and says to the bartender, as he's pouring two beers, "This is a lovely town. Everyone is so thoughtful. They've been sending me flowers." The bartender says, "Sir, the last few times you've been in here, you ordered only two beers. So we know that one of your brothers has passed away and we're expressing our condolences. Which one was it, the sailor or the pilot?"

    "Oh no," the man says, "My brothers are still alive and well, but I've given up drinking."
     
  3. OzinKY

    OzinKY Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    467
    Feb 10, 2017
    42701
    squierbilly and Kenneth Mountain like this.
  4. OzinKY

    OzinKY Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    467
    Feb 10, 2017
    42701
    I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
     
  5. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    The Sermon
    A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face said, "Without you we are but dust... "
    He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who was actually listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
     
  6. Birddog144

    Birddog144 Squier-holic

    Age:
    67
    Apr 24, 2015
    South Oceanside, CA
    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
    As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.

    She started talking in a loud voice:
    "Hi sweetheart. It's Carol. I'm on the train".
    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
    "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss."
    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

    She went on and on, still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had
    enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
    "Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    Carol doesn't use her cell phone in public any more......
     
  7. Bear

    Bear Squier-holic

    Age:
    70
    Oct 29, 2013
    Kentucky
    Little Red Wagon


    A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
    When he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
    Little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly
    Coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's
    Helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her
    Cat.

    The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure
    Is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.

    The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the

    wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you

    how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around

    the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

    then I wouldn't have a siren.'
     
  8. OzinKY

    OzinKY Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    467
    Feb 10, 2017
    42701
    My wife and I have had 21 great years together.
    We've been married 32.
     
  9. radiotech

    radiotech Squier-holic

    Apr 23, 2014
    Chicago
    Pulled almost directly from my brain... (too bad the joke was on me).
     
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  10. OzinKY

    OzinKY Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    467
    Feb 10, 2017
    42701
    In my case the #s are true. I was gone a lot.
     
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  11. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside town hall where a flower show was in progress.

    One leaned over and said, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”

    “You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

    As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

    Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause.

    The naked lady ran back outside surrounded by a cheering crowd.

    “What happened?” asked her waiting friend. “Are you OK?”

    “I’m great! said the naked lady. “I just won 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!'”
     
  12. Rockbreaker

    Rockbreaker Squier-Nut

    586
    Feb 28, 2011
    Long Island
    Two bullets walk into a bar, one bullet says to the other: " Let's get loaded"
     
  13. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A wealthy old gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
    One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
    The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
    Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"
    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
    The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
    The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! "
    Now, the old dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says...

    "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
     
  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    And that right there is how old dogs become old dogs..
     
  15. 1935streetrod

    1935streetrod Squier-holic

    Age:
    60
    Feb 15, 2010
    michigan
    A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

    "Actually, no," the man replied."

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
     
  16. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Do I hear an echo in here ??lol
     
  17. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Rocky was a great running back, but a really poor high-school student.
    At graduation, he didn’t have enough credits. But he was a great football star, so his fellow students held a rally and demanded the principal give him his diploma anyway.
    They were so insistent the principal agreed if Rocky could answer one question correctly, the athlete would graduate.
    The one-question test was held in the auditorium. All the students packed the place. It was standing-room only.
    The principal called Rocky to join him on-stage. Holding the diploma in his hand, he said, “Rocky, if you can answer this question correctly I’ll give you your diploma.”
    Rocky said he was ready. The auditorium was tense.
    “Rocky,” the principal said, “How much is three times seven?”
    Rocky fidgeted. He looked up at the ceiling, then down at his shoes … pondering the question.
    The auditorium erupted with students chanting, “Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!”
    But, Rocky held up his hand, and the auditorium fell silent.
    “I think … I know the answer,” Rocky said. “Three times seven is twenty-one.”
    A hush fell over the auditorium.
    Then, as one, the students rose to their feet and began chanting: “Give him another chance! … Give him another chance!”
     
  18. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
     
  19. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.
    One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
    The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
    "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
    The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
    God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
    The Devil laughs. "Where are You going to get a lawyer?”
     
  20. Bear

    Bear Squier-holic

    Age:
    70
    Oct 29, 2013
    Kentucky
    AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S ACCIDENT REPORT

    Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of our Workers' Compensation board.

    This is a "supposed" true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

    Dear Sir,
    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident.

    You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.

    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
    Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

    As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.