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Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.
This kid goes into the lumber yard and walks up to the sales counter and says "Yo I need 20 Four by Twos"... salesmen says.. " you mean 2X4's ?...
Hang on let me look at my list he says,, Oh yea twenty 2X4s
the clerk says "Ok how long you need them? "....
..."Well crap man we're building a house, we're going to need them for a long time"
How to come home and not get into trouble!!
This man has been out on the town drinking. He comes home and tries to sneak in the house. He's very quiet, gets into bed and his wife gives him hell!!. The next night he goes out on the town gets drunk, comes home, makes all kind of noise. Jumps into bed, slaps his wife on the butt and says lets have a little. She pretends she's asleep.
Marriage counselor to husband, "Do you ever talk to your wife after a romantic interlude ?"
Husband, " Yeah, Sometimes, If the cell phones handy."
How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.
Little Johnnie is excited to go to the zoo with his parents. They see all kinds of animals during their visit including an elephant. That evening Johnnie's Mother asks him if he had a favorite animal from the zoo. Johnnie excitedly tell his mother it was the one with the very long nose. Mother asks Johnnie if he knows what that animal is called. "Sure," says Johnnie. "It was a fricken elephant." I don't approve of that type of language Johnnie", the mother says. scowling at her surprised looking husband. "Why would you say it like that?" "Because Mommie", says Johnnie, "that's what the sign said, African Elephant."
A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The Rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The Priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
To which the Rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The Rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The Priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith.”
The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the Rabbi said, “Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?”
"To be is to do." --Socrates
"To do is to be." --Spinoza
"Do be do be do." --Sinatra
Why do people drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
Why do folks call them "hot water heaters"? If the water is hot they don't need a heater.
A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $70,000 to that lady over there. You even insisted that there was no way you could discount this car."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price!”
LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a STOP sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
The lawyer thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me tae stop, or jist slow doon?"
Y'all will probably understand this. Am (A minor?) guessing it is witty.
C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is flat out.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second."
Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
The bartender then notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.
Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
This all took place in just one bar ???
LMAO Joe! Perfect comeback. All that wonderful sleep you got with 99 electrodes/wires super glued to you must have gone great.
A recent college graduate was having great difficulty in finding employment appropriate to his qualifications. One day while feeling desperate, he saw a sign at a construction site advertising for trainee builders and decided to apply.
He was shown into the site office and the foreman told him that he always asked prospective employees one question. "Do you know the difference between joists and girders?
"Of course", he replied. "Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust".
A woman found out that her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the Vet. The Vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The Vet then proceeded to tell her that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the Chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The woman went to the Chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the cash register, the Chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The Chemist said, "Ok, If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The Chemist says, "Well, best to stay off your bicycle for about a week then."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself. The young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”