Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. DrBeGood

    DrBeGood Squier-holic

    Dec 9, 2014
    Sutton QC, CANADA
    [​IMG]
     
  2. JurnyWannaBe

    JurnyWannaBe Squier-holic

    Age:
    59
    Feb 14, 2019
    30808
    Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.

    “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.

    “We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

    “Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.

    As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.”

    "Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

    But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked.

    “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

    Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

    Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
     
    mb doug, drewcp, AngelDeVille and 5 others like this.
  3. Marko60

    Marko60 Squier-Meister

    311
    Oct 4, 2012
    England
    I've quit my office job, the bloke on the desk next to mine said "Can I use your Dictaphone?" I said "Absolutely not, use your finger like everyone else!"
     
  4. Marko60

    Marko60 Squier-Meister

    311
    Oct 4, 2012
    England
    Paddy and Mick were in their local jobcentre in Dublin, checking out the available jobs on the board, "Would you look at dat", said Paddy, "Bricklayers wanted and we can't lay bricks"
    "Heres another" said Mick, "Plumbers wanted and we can't plumb"
    "And this one here is just our luck,",said Paddy, "Tree Fellers wanted and there's only two of us"
     
    mb doug, Loin Lover, Mr Bones and 3 others like this.
  5. duceditor

    duceditor Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    73
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    "News" from the Babylon Bee...

    Screen Shot 2020-01-18 at 12.34.57 PM.png


    Be careful out there guys!

    -don
     
  6. DrBeGood

    DrBeGood Squier-holic

    Dec 9, 2014
    Sutton QC, CANADA
    That's my kind of answer when people ask if I'd donate a painting for some cause.
     
  7. DrBeGood

    DrBeGood Squier-holic

    Dec 9, 2014
    Sutton QC, CANADA
    Two women having a glass of wine by the pool, on a fine sunny afternoon.
    Guest woman ask the host: Where's your husband ?
    We've had a bad argument last night, he's in the garden, host respond.
    Guest: I just came from there and I didn't see him.
    Host: Did you dig ?
     
  8. Mr Bones

    Mr Bones Squier-Nut

    Age:
    58
    951
    Oct 17, 2019
    Kansas Territory
    Might surprise some that I can be an absolutely eloquent, silver-tongued sumbeech, when th situation merits it, but I'll Suwannee I probly couldna come up with a better response than this...:D
     
  9. Mr Bones

    Mr Bones Squier-Nut

    Age:
    58
    951
    Oct 17, 2019
    Kansas Territory
    Still lmao, thanks! :)
     
    mb doug likes this.
  10. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
  11. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Dec 28, 2017
    South Texas Coast
  12. duceditor

    duceditor Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    73
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    For those who tend to prefer a classical style...


    Screen Shot 2020-01-25 at 10.04.49 AM.png

    -don
     
    John L Rose, mb doug, -r3- and 6 others like this.
  13. Merv_j

    Merv_j Squier-Nut

    Age:
    42
    843
    Aug 6, 2017
    Lincoln uk
    A little lad tells his dad he wants to play Bass guitar. So dad duly buys him one and takes him for his first lesson.
    Dad picks his son up at 9pm, "how'd the lesson go son?"
    "Great thanks dad, I learnt my first note"

    Next week he takes him again, drops hi off, pick A him up at 9pm
    "How'd the lesson go son?"
    "Great thanks dad, I learnt my second note"

    The following week dad drops him off, picks him up at 9pm
    "How'd the lesson go son? Did you learn your third note?"
    "No lesson tonight dad, I had a gìg."
     
    jtees4, mb doug, corn and 6 others like this.
  14. JohnnyMac

    JohnnyMac Squier-Nut

    Age:
    67
    940
    Mar 5, 2018
    Front range Colorado
    Little Johnny said "Mommy, I want to be a guitar player when I grow up". Mommy had to tell him, "I'm sorry honey, you can't do both".
     
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