Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. BlueSquirrel

    BlueSquirrel Squier-holic

    Dec 21, 2018
    Europe
    Read on social media so maybe you already know it:
    "I'm getting totally fed up with people whinging about the price of things.
    $3 for a cup of tea, $ 5 for latte, $2.50 for a slice of cake and $3 for car parking, any more complaints and I will honestly stop inviting my friends round to my house."
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  2. BlueSquirrel

    BlueSquirrel Squier-holic

    Dec 21, 2018
    Europe
    Another one (that you may know as well):

    "Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went."
     
  3. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Padre Island
    My wife left the house this morning to go shopping. She said she was going to get some ingredients to make pickle bread. At least I hope that is what she was doing. Said she needed dill dough.
     
  4. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    90
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Lorena Bobbit hit her target as we all know. A woman in my neighborhood attempted the same thing last week, but her husband moved and she just nicked his thigh. Therefore, she was only charged with a misdaweiner.
     
  5. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Daughter to mother, "Mom, when can I give Daddy his Father's Day card?"

    Mom, "Thursday when he delivers the milk."
     
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Try to read the entire story before looking at the pic.

    Not a joke, yet funny IMO. The funniest stuff is real.

    A is the neighbor who yaps, gossips, and tells windy stories in an annoying high pitched shriek of a voice.
    AH is A's husband.
    Z is the neighbor who cannot say no, always wanting to assist and please.
    ZH is Z's husband.

    A complained to Z about a raccoon which had been terrorizing her front and side porches. This coon allegedly opened and got in her deep freeze. A has set a live trap but the coon would dine without triggering the trap. She admits she does not know what she would do if she catches the critter. AH has said he would have nothing to do with the entire ordeal.

    Enter Z. Z tells A she will come set the trap and once the stinky varmint is harnessed she will take care of it. ZH overhears this volunteerism and wonders what 'take care of it' means. Z said she would carry the critter, trap and all, into the woods and shoot it. Z described to ZH where this death march would be. It would be a 150 yard or so trek. With this knowledge ZH asks Z about the stink the pungent soon-to-be Dan'l Boone cap will no doubt generate. Z had not considered odor nor prevailing winds. ZH then asks what Z planned to shoot the rascal with. "My .357 (magnum)." ZH suggests that may be a bit much for the task, stating the .22 rifle they owned would probably be a better choice. Z thought a rifle, any rifle, would be too much firepower. ZH chuckled, imaging the bind these gals are going to be in when they actually catch one.

    Fast forward to the next morning. A calls Z, telling her she caught the rascally raccoon. But Z isn't feeling well, go figure. She pleads with ZH to do her murderous, dirty deed for her.

    ZH makes sure Z sees the .45 caliber 1911 he holsters. She did not see he already put the .22 rifle in his truck. He arrives at A's house and gives both A and AH a hard time about not dealing with the intruder themselves. ZH knows AH has a .22 rifle, also knows AH always says he has no bullets. ZH has offered to give AH a handful of shells for matters such as this. AH declined the offer. AH owns a steel and wooden stick, not a firearm.

    Time to get busy. Take a look at this coon!
     

    Attached Files:

    • coon.jpg
      coon.jpg
      File size:
      379.2 KB
      Views:
      25
  7. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Screen Shot 2019-06-29 at 12.51.48 PM.png


    Well my yellowjackets liked it.

    -don
     
  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    90
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Lorena Bobbit hit her target as we all know. A woman in my neighborhood attempted the same thing last week, but her husband moved and she just nicked his thigh. Therefore, she was only charged with a misdaweiner.
     
  9. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Padre Island

    What??? No BeeGees? Or Bee-Jay Thomas?
     
  10. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Padre Island
    What are those wrist watch wearing winged insects I have been hearing about ? Time flies ?

    I had some cream of chicken soup today. I didn't even know chickens gave milk.

    I like onions and I like ice cream, but I doubt that onion ice cream would be very good.

    Mary had a little lamb, and the doctor fainted.

    Mary had a little lamb and called his name Jesus.
     
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2019
  11. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Vulcanized rubber = Spock's birth control? Asking for a friend.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2019
  12. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Padre Island
    my favorite men's restroom joke written at eye level at a urinal:
    "Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand.
     
  13. … or "Please don't throw cigarettes in the urinal. It makes them difficult to light."

    Cheers, Barrie.
     
  14. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Padre Island
    Flush twice, it is a long way to the kitchen.
     
  15. JurnyWannaBe

    JurnyWannaBe Squier-Meister

    Age:
    59
    412
    Feb 14, 2019
    30808
    I bumped into a guy coming out of a toy store this afternoon. He’d just bought a Scrabble game. The letters ended up scattered all over the place. So, I asked him “what’s the word on the street “?
     
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice