Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

    Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

    Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

    Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

    Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
     
  2. Holmes … AKA Captain Obvious. :D
    Cheers, Barrie.
     
  3. DaveDrums

    DaveDrums Squier-Nut

    916
    Feb 2, 2017
    MA, USA
    @Papa Joe I read all your ‘Joke Thread’ posts to my wife whether she appreciates them as much as I do or not.
     
  4. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    That may not be the wisest thing to do..Like Confucies says,
    Man who makes war with wife all day
    Gets no piece at night.
    (I meant peace)..sorry for the misspell.
     
  5. DaveDrums

    DaveDrums Squier-Nut

    916
    Feb 2, 2017
    MA, USA
    She gets a good laugh out of most of em. My delivery is probably off since I giggle reading through them again.
     
  6. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
    HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

    "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
     
    BlueSquirrel, corn, CVSteve and 9 others like this.
  7. Got this power bill in the mail today. On the back flap it was printed ...

    Bill.jpg

    My first thought was "I bet it does!". Sure enough ... it had gone up. :rolleyes:

    Cheers, Barrie.
     
  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Dad: "Say Dada!"
    Kid: "Mama"
    Dad: "No, Dada!"
    Kid: "Mama"
    Dad: "No, say DA-DA!"
    Kid: "Mama"
    Dad (turning away, under his breath): "@#$%!"
    Kid: "@#$%!"
    Dad: "WHAT did you say?"
    Kid: "@#$%!"

    Mom returns home.

    Mom: "How's my little sweetie?"
    Kid: "@#$%!"
    Mom: "Oh dear, who taught you THAT word?"
    Kid: "DADA!"
    _________________
     
  9. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Screen Shot 2019-03-23 at 9.30.16 AM.png


    (Bet they think he's the bass player!)

    -don
     
  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A jumbo jet was filled with passengers who were waiting for the pilot to arrive so they could take off.

    The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing dark sunglasses.

    At first, the passengers don’t react – thinking it must be some sort of practical joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering amongst themselves and look desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

    The plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway they become more and more hysterical.

    When the plane has less than 50 feet of runway left, the shouts intensify and everyone on board begins screaming at once.

    At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

    Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re not going to know when to take off!”
     
  11. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas Coast
    I play golf just for the ball washers.

    Now I see why in Texas, beer pong has become popular with the fellas.

     
    mb doug and Kenneth Mountain like this.
  12. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas Coast
    I get up and peese 3 times a night.

    Did you ever notice that nobody at a tennis match makes any racket?
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2019
  13. Kaffeine_oo7

    Kaffeine_oo7 Squier-Meister

    Age:
    37
    267
    Feb 23, 2019
    Ohio
  14. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    Confucius says ,,
    “Baseball All Wrong “

    ,,, A man with four balls can’t walk,,,
     
  15. One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murph
    finally makes
    his first
    hole-in-one.
    Immediately,
    a leprechaun
    leaps into
    view and
    congratulates
    him.


    The leprechaun says, "For this
    hole-in-one, I
    will grant ye'
    one wish."




    The Irishman replies, "Can ye'
    make me pecker
    a wee bit
    longer."




    "Done" says the leprechaun.






    By the 14th hole the Murph can
    tell something
    is happening.






    By 15 it is noticeably different
    and beginning
    to strain his
    shorts.




    By 16 it is now becoming uncomfortable.





    By 17 it now hangs just below the
    leg of his
    shorts.






    By 18 it is now dragging on the
    ground.






    After completing his round the
    Irishman drags
    himself to the
    pro shop.


    He explains what has happened to
    the golf pro
    and asks what
    can be done.




    The golf pro tells him he must
    make another
    hole-in-one on
    13 to get the
    leprechaun
    back.






    The Irishman takes 2 buckets of
    range balls to
    13 and begins
    hitting.


    After nearly both buckets are gone
    he finally
    makes another
    hole-in-one.






    The leprechaun springs into view
    and
    congratulates
    him.


    The leprechaun says, "For this
    hole-in-one, I
    will grant ye'
    one wish."




    The Irishman replies,

    "Can ye' make me legs just a wee
    bit longer."
     
    mb doug, vlxerdon, corn and 4 others like this.
  16. pfapin

    pfapin Squier-Meister

    Age:
    38
    169
    Mar 6, 2018
    St Louis
    I came up with this corny one... Why dont cows like to go out to eat?

    Because they are afraid of tipping....

    Buh dum tis!!!
     
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