Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about
    his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut. When he tries to pay his bill,
    the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
    you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a member of Congress came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week.' The member of Congress
    was very happy and left the shop.

    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    members of Congress lined up waiting for a free hair cut.
     
    squierbilly, mb doug, -r3- and 4 others like this.
  2. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the state fair. And every year, Smitty would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”

    And every year, Martha would reply, “I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

    This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, “Martha, I’m 71-years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. ”

    Martha replied, “Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

    The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

    Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.

    The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

    Smitty replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out … but ten dollars is ten dollars!”
     
  3. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Q: What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

    A: I don't know and I don't care.
     
  4. SCOTTISH WEDDING

    At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

    The bartender was almost crushed to death.



    SEX

    Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....

    A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.



    NEW BOOK

    A man goes into Barnes & Noble and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

    She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

    "That's the one; I'll take a copy..."
     
  5. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Uh huh! What else would you need?


    Screen Shot 2019-01-16 at 10.31.33 AM.png


    -don
     
    Jim Belaye, corn, squierbilly and 5 others like this.
  6. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Well, it's half a joke anyway. :D

    Screen Shot 2019-01-20 at 10.06.55 AM.png

    -don
     
  7. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    George and his wife were getting ready to go to bed when they heard sounds coming from the shed outside.

    George opened his back door and saw there were burglars in the shed stealing his tools.

    He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

    “No,” he said and explained the situation.

    The dispatcher replied all patrols were busy, so he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be there when available.

    George said, “OK,” hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were burglars in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

    Then he hung up.

    Within five minutes three squad cars, an armed-response unit and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said, “I thought you said that you had shot them!”

    “And,” George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
     
  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Here's a real old one..-------------------------------
    -------------------------------------------------------
    A woman walks into a big New York bank and explains to the teller that she wants to take out a loan for $10,000 so she can go to Europe for a week.

    The teller says, “We’ll need collateral for a loan of that size and that purpose.”

    The woman hands her the keys to a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom and says, “I’m sure this will be more than suitable.”

    The teller immediately calls the supervisor, who calls his boss, who has some one check out whether the car was stolen. They discover the woman bought the car from a reputable dealer earlier that day.

    The bank accepts the car as collateral, parking it in the bank’s garage and securing the keys in the vault. The woman takes her money and goes to Europe.

    She comes back a week later and says she’d like to pay back the loan and get her car back. So, she writes a check for the $10,000 plus $100 for the interest.

    The teller says, “We ran a background check on you when you applied for the loan and you’re very wealthy already. Why did you take out a loan for a trip to Europe and put up your Rolls Royce as collateral?”

    Looking up from her checkbook the woman says, “Where else in New York can I pay $100 to park my Rolls Royce for a week and expect it to be there when I get back?”
     
  9. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Screen Shot 2019-01-23 at 3.13.29 PM.png



    Get well cards can be sent to the gentleman at the Contusion Ward, Municipal Hospital, Any City, USA
     
    BlueSquirrel, corn, MrYeats and 2 others like this.
  10. (In your best Scottish accent) Acoustic - a wooden cattle prod. :D

    Cheers, Barrie.
     
    Davis Sharp likes this.
  11. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA

    It took me a while to 'get the accent' (and thus the joke). Then I laughed heartily! :D

    -don
     
  12. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A little boy is sitting on the steps eating candy just a fast as he can unwrap it. An elderly gentleman, passing by, seeing this, says, sonny, too much candy is not good for you. Little boy says, my grandpa lived to be 102 years old. The old man says, from eating candy ?
    The little boy says, no, from minding his own business.
     
  13. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    After 30 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

    “Yes, you were, son,” his mother said as tears came to her eyes, “but it didn’t work out, and they brought you back.”
     
  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A cardiologist died and was given an eleborate funeral.

    A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.

    Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.

    At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I’m a gynecologist.”

    The proctologist fainted.
     
  15. MrYeats

    MrYeats Squier-holic

    Age:
    64
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas Coast
    I've never seen running shoes unless they've got feet in them.
    I'd walk a mile for a camel. Ten for a woman.
    Why does a General park in Private Parking while the Private parks in General Parking?
    Girl: I canteloupe tonight honey.
    Boy: I artichoke ya.
    I went fishing the other day and was using artificial lure. I caught a real fish.
    I put on some live bait and caught a plastic bag.
    Why isn't your hooty 12" long?
    Cause then it would be a foot.
     
    Kenneth Mountain and Davis Sharp like this.
  16. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
  17. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-holic

    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    The problem with being retired is I never get a day off. o_O
     
  18. Haha … story of my life. :)
    Cheers, Barrie.
     
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