Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    194
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    Elephant to a naked man ,

    Can you breath through that !!!!
     
  2. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet examines the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."

    The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."

    The vet sighs and takes the woman back to the examining room. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.

    The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.

    The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet hands the woman a bill for $500.

    The woman is again outraged, "$500 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"

    The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."
     
  3. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

    The doctor replies, "Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

    The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "What’s the girl’s name?"

    "Denise." the doctor says.

    The new mother thinks, "Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks the doctor, "What’s the boy’s name?"

    "Denephew."

    ;)
     
    ScoobySnacker, corn, vlxerdon and 3 others like this.
  4. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
  5. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totaled, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

    After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

    The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

    The woman points to a bottle lying in the grass next to the wreck and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

    The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
     
  6. Am I getting to that age?

    I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator".

    When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
    Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

    Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency? I think you should write, "An ambulance "

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

    The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

    Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'


    Ah! Being young is beautiful; but being old is comfortable.
     
  7. While scrolling thru Amazon (Canada) Squier parts, I was at least a dozen pages in when I spotted this!
    I'll let you decide as to what joke should accompany this. :D



    Amazon.png


    Cheers, Barrie.
     
    Taurus, mb doug, Loin Lover and 3 others like this.
  8. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    Canadian guitar players need help with their vibrato.
     
  9. Cobra

    Cobra Squier-Meister

    Age:
    61
    129
    Mar 8, 2018
    Florida
  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    The parents of two 5-year-old twin boys were worried that they had developed extreme personalities — one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist — so they took them to a psychiatrist.

    First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist.

    Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears.

    “What’s the matter?” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys?”

    “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did, I’d only break them.”

    Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist.

    Trying to dampen his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling his nose in disgust, the optimist emitted a yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from his brother, the pessimist.

    Then he clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to his knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with his bare hands.

    “What do you think you’re doing?” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist.

    “With all this manure,” the little boy replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!”
     
  11. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Nut

    684
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    A slippery slide, for ladies only evidently, which provides its own vibrato?
     
    Kenneth Mountain likes this.
  12. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Nut

    684
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Red Green's bread slicer.
     
  13. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

    He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

    "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

    "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
     
    mdparent03, mb doug, Cobra and 2 others like this.
  14. BlueSquirrel

    BlueSquirrel Squier-Meister

    160
    Dec 21, 2018
    Europe
    Ok, it's not exactly a joke, it's a parody of a song collection :

    Fancy getting it for next Christmas ? ;)
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018
    mb doug likes this.
  15. BlueSquirrel

    BlueSquirrel Squier-Meister

    160
    Dec 21, 2018
    Europe
    So, it's not your cup of tea... how about "The Narcissistic Song Collection", then?
     
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2018
    Las Palmas Norte and mb doug like this.
  16. Cobra

    Cobra Squier-Meister

    Age:
    61
    129
    Mar 8, 2018
    Florida
  17. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    72
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Is this funny or is it actual ancient wisdom?


    Screen Shot 2019-01-05 at 6.44.51 AM.png

    -don