Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. duceditor

    duceditor Dr. Squier

    Age:
    71
    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    Southern rock!

    A great concert pic. (Can you name the group?)

    Screen Shot 2018-09-29 at 12.52.47 PM.png

    -nod
     
    mb doug likes this.
  2. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    178
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A young lady phones the hospital as her waters have just broken. The operator says don't worry
    we will have someone there very soon, where are you ringing from ? from my knickers to my
    ankles she replied.
     
  3. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly
    called out, “Help! My son’s choking! He swallowed a
    quarter! Please, anyone! Help!”

    A man from a nearby table stood up and announced
    that he was quite experienced at this sort of
    thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy’s
    abdomen and squeezed.

    Out popped the quarter.

    The man then went back to his table as though
    nothing had happened.

    “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are
    you a paramedic?”

    “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
     
  4. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

    She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

    She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a
    youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

    The defense attorney slumped in his chair.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and whispered:

    ‘”If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to prison.”
     
  5. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

    She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

    Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

    Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

    To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

    Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

    The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

    Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
    _________________
    To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
     
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    462
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Great joke, ingenious verbiage.
     
    Kenneth Mountain likes this.
  7. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Last night I was having a drink in a bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl entered and sat down a few seats away. The girl was so attractive that I just couldn't take my eyes off her. After a short while, she noticed me staring, and approached me.


    Before I had time to apologize, the girl looked me deep in the eyes and says in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".


    Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, I asked her what her condition is. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."


    I thought for a moment to consider the offer from this beautiful woman. Then I took out my wallet and put $100 dollars in her hand.

    Then I looked her square in the eyes, and said slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."


    (Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains)
    _________________
    Many play better than I do. Nobody has more fun.
     
  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals
    kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
    Several members did not approve of her activities
    but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance.

    She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member,
    of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
    She emphatically told Frank and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

    Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
    He didn't explain, defend or deny. He simply said nothing.
    Later that evening Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home...............
    and left it there all night.



    I think Frank deserves an "attaboy"
     
  9. RoyalWe

    RoyalWe Squier-Nut

    Age:
    27
    754
    Sep 5, 2012
    Eugene, Oregon
  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Here's another one..Rick is good guy but he has a very strange sense of humor..
     
  11. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    178
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
    The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
    He said, "I'm not happy."
    I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
     
  12. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A group of 40-year-old buddies – David, Michael and Steven – discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the waiters and waitresses there were very young and very fast.

    10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

    10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

    10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because the restaurant was wheel-chair accessible, the restrooms were close and they even had an elevator.

    10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Kosher Bar & Grill because they had never been there before.
     
  13. mb doug

    mb doug Squier-holic

    Jan 4, 2012
    Long Island
    IMG_7543.JPG IMG_7535.JPG

    Sorry if these have been shared before. Not really jokes either but I thought they were funny.
     
  14. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    178
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
     
    mb doug and Kenneth Mountain like this.
  15. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A few guys are standing in the locker room of the country club, having just finished a round of golf. A cell phone on the bench rings and one of the guys answers it on speaker.
    Guy: Hello
    Woman's voice on the other end: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
    Guy: Yes
    Woman: I'm at the Neiman Marcus now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000 Is it OK if I buy it?
    Guy: Sure, go ahead.
    Woman: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw a new 2019 model that I really liked.'
    Guy: How much?
    Woman: $98,000
    Guy: OK.
    Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $900,000.
    Guy: Well, then go ahead and make an offer. If other buyers are bidding up the price, go up to $1 million
    Woman: OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!
    Guy: You’re worth it. Bye!
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths wide open. The man turns to them and asks, "Anybody know whose phone this is?"
     
  16. My first thought … nice one.:D