Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    291
    Apr 28, 2018
    Providence, RI
    Q: What do you call a guitar player who only knows two chords?
    A: A music critic.


    Q: How many guitarists does it take to play Stairway to Heaven?
    A: Apparently all of them.


    Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
    A: Who cares--neither one's a guitar
     
  2. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    270
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagger will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.

    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagger today than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. (it wouldn't allow me to spell it properly)
     
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  3. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    164
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
     
  4. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    164
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.
    These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
    The most popular of these scams is called Social Security
     
  5. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

    “Just how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner angrily.

    “Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.

    Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands, and said “Here’s a week’s pay – now get out and don’t come back!”

    Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?”

    “He doesn’t work here,” said the supervisor. “He was just here to deliver a pizz
     
  6. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    270
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    A preacher was in his study preparing a sermon for the following Sunday. His wife walked in and asked what his sermon was going to cover. He told her "this sermon is about water skiing and being a Christian". She said "you can't preach about that. You have only skied a couple times and you kept falling down". He said "I can do it". His wife left him alone.

    Sunday morning his wife was sick, did not go to church. The preacher stood on the pulpit, looked at the congregation, and realized his wife was right. He had no business preaching about water skiing. So he had to ad lib a sermon about something he knew a lot about...sex and being a Christian. He got through the sermon with no problem.

    Monday morning the preacher's wife saw a church friend while at the doctor's office. The lady told the preacher's wife "your husband preached the finest sermon I've ever heard yesterday". The preacher's wife was shaking her head and said "I can't understand it. He's only done it twice and fell down both times".
     
  7. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    A horse goes into a bar and says “ I’m looking for a job, are y’all hiring?
    Bartender says “ why don’t you try the circus?
    Horse says,, why the hell would a circus need a bartender?
     
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  8. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

    Age:
    56
    291
    Apr 28, 2018
    Providence, RI
    I just had a near-death experience. ("Are You Experienced?" Well, now I am...) I saw just enough of heaven to find out, they stopped passing out harps after Strats were invented!

    Friday evening calls for more cartoons:

    GuitarSmashWM.jpg Air.jpg Franky.JPG
     
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  9. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    270
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Bored with retirement I took a greeter job at the local WM.
    Shortly after proudly donning my vest and manning my post a nasty looking lady with a tri-color mullet and dirty clothes entered the store. She was dragging two kids who had not had a bath in about a month. The kids were about 7 and 4. I felt bad for them.
    I said "welcome to WM. What beautiful twins you have". She said "you dumba$$, can't you tell they aren't twins?" I said "yes, I could tell. I just can't believe someone would have sex with you twice".
    Possibly the shortest employment in history.
     
  10. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    270
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Tell this as if it really happened near you.


    A guy I work with got a text from his neighbor while driving home from work. It said "please forgive me. I've been tapping your wife every time you're not home, even sometimes after you go to bed. I promise not to tap your wife again. I ask forgiveness."

    My coworker, suspicious his wife was having an affair, stormed in his house. He heard his wife in the kitchen, got a Louisville Slugger, and beat her to death.

    A few seconds later he got another text from the neighbor. "Dang auto correct. I've been tapping your wifi. Please forgive me."
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2018
    squierbilly, mb doug and Davis Sharp like this.
  11. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    I think I've told this before but it's one of my favorites and worth repeating..
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Old man Wilson, who was very hard of hearing, went to the doctor for a regular checkup.
    His wife, Martha, went along to help him with his hearing problem..
    After completing the usual vitals the doctor said "Well Mr Wilson, I'm gonna need a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.."
    Old man Wilson " What the hell did he say Martha ?"
    Martha, yelling in his ear, " He said he wanted to see your under shorts"..
     
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  12. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    164
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
     
  13. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
     
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  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Ralph feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

    Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

    The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.”

    That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and Ralph was in the den. He thought to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

    Then in a normal tone, he asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    No response.

    So he moved closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, “Peg, what’s for dinner?”

    Still no response.

    Next, he moved into the dining room, where he was about 20 feet from his wife, and asked, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    Again, he got no response.

    So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

    Again, there was no response.

    So he walked right up behind her. “Peg, what’s for dinner?”

    “For heaven’s sake, Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!”
     
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  15. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    “How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.

    He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

    “Come on, now,” he said, “you don’t have to take it so hard. It isn’t
    that serious.”

    “It isn’t?” cried the motorist.

    “Does that mean you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”
     
  16. Davis Sharp

    Davis Sharp Squier-holic

    Jan 7, 2016
    Maryland, USA
    On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

    When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

    "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
     
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  17. Loin Lover

    Loin Lover Squier-Meister

    270
    Jul 26, 2018
    Backwoods, USA
    Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.

    When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day.

    One day Frank said' Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School.

    Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there.'

    Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, 'Frank you've been my best friend for many years.
    If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'




    Shortly after that, Leo passed on.

    A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank... Frank '......'Who is it?' asked Frank sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

    'Leo-- it's me, Leo'.

    'You're not Leo, Leo just died.'




    'I'm telling you, it's me,’ Leo insisted.

    'Leo!..Where are you?'

    'In Heaven,' replied Leo. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

    'Tell me the good news first,' said Frank.

    'The good news,' Leo said, 'is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us
    are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.
    And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.'

    'That's fantastic,' said Frank 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'




    'You're pitching Tuesday.'
     
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