Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. Rey08

    Rey08 Squier-Meister

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    Nov 18, 2017
    Illinois
  2. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-Nut

    822
    Feb 3, 2017
    NH
    Actually this really did happen - a friend of mine who was a reporter for the Hartford Currant at the time was visiting Ireland and attended a U2 show. But the response from the audience was " Well fecken stop it man!"
     
  3. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-Nut

    822
    Feb 3, 2017
    NH
    After a long illness and years of severe memory loss the old man passed away. Deemed pure and innocent at the time of his death, he was immediatelay carried to the Gates of Heaven where Saint Peter was on duty. The old man stood there for a while until Saint Peter noticed him. "Can I help you come in?, All I need is your name, for you are already guaranteed your rightful place here. Your name your the key to Heaven because it will reveal to me to all of your good deeds on earth. What is your name?" The old man stood speechless for a moment and said, " I don't know my name. I just don't remember."

    "Alright", said Saint Peter. "I'll call my boss." The old man waited. Saint Peter on the phone says, "Jesus, you really need to come down here. I've got an innocent, totally pure in heart and soul who really should be with us, but he cannot tell me his name." Saint Peter left. A few minutes later Jesus came to see the old man.

    Jesus said, "Old Man, I really want to help you gain entry to Heaven. But I need answers first. Did you have any children?
    "Children?" asked the old man. "Mmmmmm."

    "Yes, yes I did. I think I had a son."
    "What was your son's name? Can you remember?"
    "I cannot remember my son's name."
    "Can you describe your son to me, tell me what he was like growing up?"
    "I think he was meant to bring happiness and end suffering. He was a very special boy."

    At this point Jesus teared up. "Dad, is it you?"
    The old man said, "Pinnochio?"
     
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  4. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

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    Thanks for putting me straight.
     
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  5. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-Nut

    822
    Feb 3, 2017
    NH
    I was just totally blown away to hear about this again. My friend Lynne (the reporter) said there were a few snickers going on in the UK newspapers at the time it happened ;-)
     
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  6. Afrika61

    Afrika61 Squier-Nut

    Took a minute before this finally clicked in and it gave me a chuckle,... 36528617_1737341076350784_4000549727400624128_n.jpg
     
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  7. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

    "Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
     
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  8. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Ah, this is the opposite of that "talent" pedal you can get for 30.00!
     
  9. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

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    I've heard that story, and wondered if it actually happened. Looks like it did
     
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  10. Mobizoid

    Mobizoid Squier Talker

    Age:
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    80
    May 28, 2018
    Jasper Alberta Canada
    OK bud.....but hey isn't your profile
    "Lantzville, Republic of Vancouver Island, Canada" a little bit politically slanted also?
     
  11. Well ... perhaps. If you're put out by that or the moderators, then maybe the folks here with a long history of when V.I. as an independent colony should be silenced.
    The still flags fly here and are sold in shops, along with t-shirts in tourist shops. Maybe it's time for them to get sorted out and politically correct also. o_O

    Cheers, Barrie.
     
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  12. Mobizoid

    Mobizoid Squier Talker

    Age:
    59
    80
    May 28, 2018
    Jasper Alberta Canada
    There once was a girl with guitar
    Who played at the local dive bar
    She wasn't that good
    When she spanked on the wood
    But there where plenty of tips in her jar.;)
     
  13. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Merseyside UK
    A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you? Yep, the little girl said, he sure did! The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a 5 dollar ticket for a safety violation and said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you? Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!
     
  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly
    offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

    The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected & saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.



    "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

    "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

    The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this?

    How much does he send you?"

    The elderly woman answered"$10,000 a week."

    The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

    "He is a veterinarian," she answered.

    "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea the vet. made that much money," the pastor said.

    "Where does he practice?"

    The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '


    Enjoy life...it has an expiration date!
     
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  15. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    Providence, RI
    How about another cartoon?


    rock-n-roll-neighbourhood.jpg
     
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  16. Unit11

    Unit11 Squier-Meister

    Age:
    57
    318
    Apr 28, 2018
    Providence, RI
  17. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

    Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
    Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
    Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
    Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
    Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
    Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
    Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
    Biker: Yes, sir.

    Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Biker: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
    Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
    Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
    Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
    Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
    Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
    Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
    Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
    Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
     
  18. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
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    178
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A little boy goes to his father and says, "Hey Dad, am I descended from monkeys?".
    His father looks at him, long and hard, then says, "I don't know, boy, I never met all your mother's family".
     
  19. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    The evidence would be strong if she held her family reunion at the zoo..
     
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