Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-Nut

    788
    Feb 3, 2017
    NH
    How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb must have a sincere desire to change.
     
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  2. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
     
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  3. CVSteve

    CVSteve Squier-Meister

    Age:
    64
    312
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas
    If you have to shave your cat, this is how you do it:
    719FDD15-1F81-4FF4-9646-40F7F4498BFD.jpeg
     
  4. Afrika61

    Afrika61 Squier-Nut

    Not a joke but I thought that this was rather funny.
    The other day I was talking to a customer about the tablet that I had repaired for her and, in the course of explaining the repair to her, an old video on youtube appeared and ran. She nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw the video and she asked me to play it back and I obliged. She looked at me with a stunned look and explained that the song in the video had been rattling around in her head for years but she had no clue as to what it actually was. She also added that she must have first heard it when her children were very young.
    And the video? It was this gem from Sesame Streets early years:

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
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  5. CVSteve

    CVSteve Squier-Meister

    Age:
    64
    312
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas
  6. CVSteve

    CVSteve Squier-Meister

    Age:
    64
    312
    Dec 28, 2017
    Texas
  7. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife: “I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied: “Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”

    A week or so later, he received another letter from his
    wife: “You won’t believe what happened. Some men came to the house with shovels and dug up all the dirt in the back garden.”

    The prisoner wrote back: “Now is a good time to plant the vegetables.”
     
  8. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.



    One morning they pounded a sign into the ground, which said:



    DA ENDISS NEAR!

    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

    BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!



    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandahoovian religious nuts!"



    From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.



    Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin."



    "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge out?'"a funny for the day!!
     
  9. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    164
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
    He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
    "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
    "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
    He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
    "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
    "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
     
  10. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    An old one..I first heard this during WW II..
    Evidently Klinger wasn't pay6in' attention..

    A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

    The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it,” and put it down again.

    This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

    The psychologist concluded the soldier was deranged and wrote out his discharge from the army.

    The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “Yes! That’s it!”
     
  11. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    “Why did you leave your last job?”

    “It was something my boss said.”

    “What did he say?”

    “’You’re fired!’”
     
  12. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    73
    164
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
    The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
    “Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
    “So then, why are you telling me?”
    “I’m telling everybody!”
     
  13. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A traveling salesman was passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.

    So he stops and says to the little old man, “You look as if you don’t have a care in the world! What’s your formula for a long and happy life?”

    And the little old man says, “Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night. In fact, I don’t usually get to bed until four in the morning.”

    And the salesman says, “Wow, that’s unbelievable. How old are you?”

    And the little man says, “22.”
     
  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays perfume all over them.

    His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

    “But why?” asks the man.

    “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
     
  15. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
  16. jtees4

    jtees4 Squier-Meister

    230
    Jun 7, 2012
    NYish
    Now that's funny!!!
     
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  17. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

    'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked..




    'It's not a gong It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.



    'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

    'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

    'How's it work?' the friend asked,
    squinting at it.

    'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another
    for a moment......

    Suddenly, someone on the other side
    of the wall screamed,

    'You *******!
    It's 3:15 in the MORNING!'






     
  18. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    89
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Husband and wife … sitting on the deck … having a glass of wine …

    Wife says, “I love you so much I don’t know how I could live without you.”

    Husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

    Wife says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
     
  19. techowiz

    techowiz Squier-Nut

    652
    Aug 21, 2014
    new york
    PJ- what a memory!!! I'm 58 and would be lucky to get through the first two lines of that joke!!
     
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