Joke Thread

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by banjaxed, Feb 18, 2017.

  1. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    Hope nobody minds me starting this thread as I think we all need a laugh sometime.
    I'll start.

    An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old men can still think fast!!
     
  2. blackpudboy

    blackpudboy Squier-holic

    The Hat

    Prince Charles arrived in Inverkeithing in Fife to open the Highland Games. He was appropriately dressed in the kilt, but had a very strange hat on his head. It looked like a Davy Crockett hat, but was made out of a fox.

    As the day wore on one of the officials was getting more and more curious, till it got the better of him.

    He addressed the prince, "Your Royal Highness, one was wondering about the hat?"

    "Ah yes." said Prince Charles, "At breakfast this morning mummy was asking what I was doing today, and I told her I was opening the Inverkeithing Highland Games."

    Her mouth was full of cornflakes, but I'm sure she said, "Wear the fox hat?"
     
  3. TomL

    TomL Squier-Nut

    While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
    'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
    'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
    'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
    The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
    Today, you voted."
     
  4. fuelish

    fuelish Squier-Meister

    A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
     
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  5. fuelish

    fuelish Squier-Meister

    A Catholic, a Unitarian Universalist, A Methodist, A Jew, A Protestant, and an Atheist walk into a bar, and the bartender says " What, is this some kind of a joke???"
     
  6. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
    BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
    'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
    'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
    'How much do you charge?
    ''Eighty pounds per visit,' replied the doctor.
    'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
    come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
    'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
    lot of money! A barman cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved
    all that money that I went and bought me a new car'
    'Is that so?!' with attitude he asked. And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?
    ''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!'
     
  7. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A duck walks into a grocers and say's to the shopkeeper "Got any duck food ?
    "Sorry" say's the shopkeeper, we don't sell duck food The duck walks out.
    The next day the duck walks into the grocers again, "Got any duck food?"
    "Look, I told you yesterday, we don't sell duck food, go away"
    The next day the Duck goes back in to the grocers "Got any duck food?"
    "Bugger off, and don't come back, WE DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD" The shopkeeper shouted.
    The next day the duck walks in again "Got any duck food?"
    The shopkeeper, absolutely livid by now, say's " You ask me for duck food again again I'll nail your feet to the floor".
    The next day the duck walks in to the grocers "got any nails ? The shopkeeper says no.
    The duck says "Got any duck food?"
     
  8. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    A guitar player walks out of a bar.............



    .......




    ....



    ..

    .

    Yeah right!

    .
     
  9. Krooser

    Krooser Squier Talker

    Age:
    68
    80
    Feb 3, 2017
    Somewhere East of Laramie
    The 5th grade teacher was covering the subject of sex education. She told each student and to watch TV tonite they were to give a report on what they learned about sex the next day.

    The following day, at the proper time, the teacher asked Sally what she had learned about sex from watching TV... Sally said she was watching reruns of the 60's show Dr. Ben Casey and she said there were pregnant women on the show and it was just full of sex.

    The teacher said you get an A.

    Next the teacher asked Mary about sex on television. Mary said she was watching her Mom's soap operas and there were doctors and nurses kissing each other and it was just full of sex.

    The teacher also gave Mary an A.

    The last child in class was Little Johnny. She was a little apprehensive about what Johnny was going to say so she asked in a very tactful way... "What did you learn about sex on TV Johnny?".

    In a deep, slow Southern drawl Johnny said... "Well teacher... I was watchin' this Western and ol' Gene Autry was ridin' into this box canyon... and there was 500 Injuns on top of that canyon gittin' ready to ambush ol' Gene. Well Gene pulled out his six guns and shot everyone of those damn Injuns dead.

    The teacher said "That's nice Johnny but it has nothing to do with sex..."

    Johnny said... "The hell it don't! Taught them Injuns not to **** with Gene Autry!"....
     
  10. otma

    otma Squier-Nut

    793
    Nov 4, 2012
    Owen, Wisconsin
    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks to speak to the manager. She tells him she's going on a business trip overseas for a month, and needs to borrow ten thousand dollars. When he asks her what collateral she has, she says she has a brand new Rolls Royce parked right outside the bank. The bank manager verifies that everything is in order, and she leaves with the money. The car is secured in the parking garage under the bank, and the bank manager has a good laugh with all his colleagues about the dumb blonde who put up a quarter million dollar car as collateral for a ten thousand dollar loan.

    At the end of the month, the blonde returns to the bank and pays the loan off in full, plus about twenty five dollars in interest. As she's leaving, the bank manager asks "Excuse me, but while you were away, we checked into you and discovered you're a billionaire. Why would you even need to borrow ten thousand dollars for a business trip?'

    "Well . . ." she replied, "Can you think of anywhere else I could park a Rolls Royce in New York City for a month for twenty five dollars and expect it to still be there when I got back?"
     
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  11. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    3 Irishmen walk past a bar..



    Well it could happen..
     
  12. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    What do you call two Mexican boys playing basket all..
    Juan on Juan..
     
  13. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Why do gorillas have big nostrils..
    "cuss they have big fingers..
     
  14. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull.
    Lipstick
     
  15. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A retired older couple return to a Jaguar dealership where the salesman
    has just sold the Jaguar XF they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde
    in a mini skirt and tight sweater.
    "I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £35,000 asking price,
    " said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for £29,000 to the
    lovely young lady there.
    You insisted there could was no way you could discount this model."
    "Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her,
    how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
    Just then the young woman approached the senior couple
    and gave the car keys to the old man......
    "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that arsehole to lower the price................
    See you later, dad."
     
  16. Joe90

    Joe90 Squier-Meister

    481
    Jul 6, 2014
    Western Canada
  17. jamndad

    jamndad Squier-holic

    Age:
    53
    Nov 23, 2013
    Bakersfield, Ca.
    My "F" chord.

    Thanks, folks. You've been great. I'm here all week.
     
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  18. banjaxed

    banjaxed Squier-Meister

    Age:
    72
    103
    Jan 29, 2017
    Merseyside UK
    A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
    He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
    The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
    The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
     
  19. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    A french fry walks into a bar, the bartender says "we don't serve food here"
     
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  20. Papa Joe

    Papa Joe Squier-Axpert

    Age:
    88
    Dec 12, 2009
    Swanton Ohio
    Good ol' red neck boy is stumbling along, bouncing off store fronts and sign post..Police spot hm..
    Cop-"ya'll ok there buddy?"
    Red neck- "yeah".
    Cop-"Where ya'll headin" ?"
    Red neck-"home"
    Cop-"Where's home" ?
    Red neck-"Yonder"
    Cop-"Can ya tell me your name buddy"?
    Red neck-"Leroy"
    Cop-"OK Leroy,got any ID"?
    Red neck-" bout what"?