Bitter Ex-bandmate

Discussion in 'V.C.'s Parlor' started by Dr Improbable, Aug 12, 2019.

  1. RetiredNSquired

    RetiredNSquired Squier-holic

    Jun 20, 2018
    Canton, Ga
    Classy reply! Went through a similar situation with an ex-drummer who blamed me for everything bad that happened to him post Drivin' Wheel. Didn't understand it, but didn't pursue it, either. Just hate he passed a couple of years back, never got a chance to clear the air. You handled it perfectly!
  2. VealCutlet

    VealCutlet Squier-holic

    Aug 9, 2011
    Brookyn, NYC
    Gracious and classy move, Doc. I hope, given the circumstances, I can take your advice should I find myself in this situation.
  3. RetiredNSquired

    RetiredNSquired Squier-holic

    Jun 20, 2018
    Canton, Ga
    I just assume they are, that way if I find out different, I'm pleasantly surprised!
  4. strat_strummer

    strat_strummer Squier-holic

    Nov 24, 2018
    Burnin some Nitro...
  5. John Slinger

    John Slinger Squier-Meister

    Apr 26, 2019
    I have a friend who had a a Yoko situation that ruined his band situation. Any of you guys gone through that or is it normal stuff ?
  6. techowiz

    techowiz Squier-Nut

    Aug 21, 2014
    new york
    Sounds like a real DB!
    JurnyWannaBe and Dr Improbable like this.
  7. techowiz

    techowiz Squier-Nut

    Aug 21, 2014
    new york
    A lot nicer than my response. Mine would go something like this. "All the best Bryan. Hope you choke on the harp!"
  8. LutherBurger

    LutherBurger Squier-holic

    Sep 2, 2015
    It also appears to be an excellent platform for calling people those things, even though they're not. ;)
    wonkenstein and JurnyWannaBe like this.
  9. corn

    corn Squier-holic

    Feb 27, 2013
    San Diego
    I unfriended a friend of my wife’s well over a year and a half ago and I just got a message yesterday from her saying ,why are we not friends anymore ?
    I would love to reply with the truth but I chose to ignore and delete
    wonkenstein likes this.
  10. SoundDesign

    SoundDesign Squier-holic

    Could have stopped here. Just saying'...
  11. 5ofeight

    5ofeight Squier-holic

    Nov 14, 2016
    Glasgow, Scotland
    Ah, now I wouldn't have replied to him and wouldn't have deleted him for at least a month or So, that would have given him enough time to choke on his own bile ..hahaha
    Dr Improbable likes this.
  12. duceditor

    duceditor Squier-Axpert

    May 29, 2014
    The Monadnocks, NH USA
    My approach is to avoid all the broadbased "good" and "bad" and to just be very selective.

    For FB that means just a select group of friends, each chosen because we truly have good things to share with one-another. And that is how I choose my real world friends as well. Yes, and musical collaborators. Okay, and a long time ago my wife.

    Everyone is into buying and selling. Some in a way that I feel good participating in/with, others from the viewpoint of just looking out for their own interests.

    True for Facebook, but not more true for them than for sellers (and buyers) on, say, CL.

    My bandmates from years ago are all still to some degree my friends. (As much now as then)

    My wife is now of fifty years.

    My credit remains good.

    I am on good terms with every business person I have chosen to deal with.

    It's to me all a matter of attitude and approach.

    "Screw not" is to me the unwritten law. And it equally goes both ways.

    Some say this is neive. Life tells me otherwise.

  13. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-holic

    Feb 3, 2017
    I would have left that band 25 years ago, too. There's nothing worse than trying to gig for a living with people who need to be totally substanced out on the gig. I've been there.... sooner or later you get tired of picking up the slack, making the excuses and covering for somebody who never seems to be able to do their job, let alone show up on time, ready to do the gig.

    I'd say you were doing pretty good, knowing you did the right thing for yourself 25 years ago. Some people tend to live in the past. In all the years I've gigged, never once has a perpetually loaded band mate ever delivered on a gig. If it's a working band and you're trying to make a living nobody has time for it. And it was easier making a living doing gigs 25 years ago than it is today.
    JurnyWannaBe and Dr Improbable like this.
  14. Bassman96

    Bassman96 Squier-holic

    Nov 13, 2010
    Oak Harbor, WA
    I'm in a similar situation but with my older brother. I left our band 16 years ago. I had to get away from the scene and the town I was in so I could get my life in order and get sober. The last time he spoke to me was on the phone the day after I left. To this day he still won't speak to me because of it and even has me blocked on FB. I have tried reaching out but he isn't having any of it so it's on him now at this point. Some day we might re connect but I am not holding my breath. He holds a grudge like a 3 year old.
  15. Jay Jackson

    Jay Jackson Squier-Nut

    Sep 1, 2018
    sanluisobispo CA (3401
    I would have responded ( Its your loss)
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  16. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-holic

    Feb 3, 2017
    I dunno, we just want to play music, right? And everybody has to work for a living. When people choose to get together to make music happen... that's a mutual effort, everybody's theoretically investing time and resources into the project to make it work. When there are personal or relationship issues getting in the way of that, regardless of what they are, it's got the potential to become a toxic situation all around.

    Like @duceditor mentioned, being selective is a pretty good way to go into it. You get in with good intentions and try to keep the positive, straightforward vibes out there. Being part of a good, cohesive band is more of a relationship than anything else because it takes time to find where the strengths are in each member - playing to the strong points is where everybody makes the contribution. It also allows the give and take needed so the players can ask each other to "see what it sounds like if you try it this way". If there are egos driving things as opposed to the players being willing to try 'something else' to make an arrangement work, already that can be potentially negative.

    Sticking it out in a negative situation whether it's you recognizing you're the one who needs to make the change or you recognizing there's problems down the line with another band member - that doesn't do anybody any good. Sometimes when you do the right thing for yourself others may not see it that way. Sometimes just letting that thing go and walking away from it is what needs to happen.
    duceditor likes this.
  17. so1om

    so1om Squier-Axpert

    Feb 10, 2010
    It never ceases to amaze me that the most selfish and self-serving people can be in one's own family. I encounter this so much. here you are trying to do something good for you and what is right and you are essentially punished for it. Imagine the conversation "you don't talk to your brother anymore. What happened?" "Oh I didn't like the fact that he needed to break free of a situation to become healthy."

    as hard and strange as it is to reconcile, you're better off for it. You don't need toxic and negative influences. No one does. I find it interesting that people would say "a friend shouldn't do that" and yet as a family member they think they can do whatever they wish. IMO family should be held to a higher standard.

    Congratulations on doing the right thing.
  18. wonkenstein

    wonkenstein Squier-holic

    Feb 3, 2017
    Funny how this, like in some other parts of life, becomes a situation where potentially no good deed goes unpunished. Doing the right thing is not always the popular thing.
    Bassman96 and so1om like this.
  19. SquierTap

    SquierTap Squier-holic

    Jul 14, 2018
    Nashville, Tn
    The guy that I started my first band with back in '94 was my buddy and constant musical partner, and drummer for almost 25 years... BUT... In all that time he never bought a single drum...
    And he was naturally really good, but he would NEVER practice at home... Even "air-drumming" or with a practice pad...

    And when we were doin pretty big shows around Nashville, we'd do a show a month and usually sell about 50-80 tickets... Tickets were $15, the booking agent would get $10, we'd get $5, and in the 2 years of shows, he never sold a single ticket... Unless you count the "comps" for his Mom and brother... And it was understood, that if you had no pot, you had no drummer... One of the ONLY dudes that I ever saw that was addicted to pot... I watched him lose jobs because if he didn't have at least a joint, he wasn't gettin outta bed... I remember one of our biggest shows, we had to go to his house, less than an hour before showtime, with weed to get him to even come... He'd come to my house, and he always needed cigarettes, and a pack to take to his mom to boot... I finally realized that he's almost 40 and he'll never be any different, so I just completely went "ghost" on him... Breaks my heart... I love the guy, but sometimes, the things you hold, wind up holding you back...
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
    wonkenstein, 5ofeight, so1om and 3 others like this.
  20. sconniesquier

    sconniesquier Squier-Meister

    Aug 16, 2017
    I personally have a standing rule with my friends (not a large group), “if I catch you on the Facebook, I’ll unfriend you for real”. I’ve been anti-Facebook since the start. Only 10% positive and 90% negative.
    wonkenstein and Bob the builder like this.
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